What’s right time to get counselling?

QUESTION: I’m a father, 43, divorced, now in a happy relationship. It took a lot of hard times to get here.

My younger sister had health issues requiring a lot of attention from my parents throughout her childhood. I’ve learned through a very good therapist, that the reason from my growing up angry and carrying it into my adult years, starts back then when I wrongly felt that I was second-rate, not good enough for them, and unloved.

I stuck close to the first female who “loved” me in high school. She alienated me from my family and made all decisions for me/us.

We married as soon as I finished my college degree and had two children.

But her persistent “control” over me became our main arguing point. I’d get verbally belligerent and she’d respond with more rules and orders.

But I was succeeding at the job I managed to get.

When I discovered my wife was cheating on me, I was almost relieved. It was a way out.

You are correct when you’ve written that divorce, even if necessary, is hard on kids and my two sons were no exception.

But here’s the surprise: After I got over the difficulties of having to move and saw a therapist “for the kids” (but it continued about me), I felt I was starting my life anew.

While divorce shouldn’t be the answer to everyone’s marital problems, it saved my relationship with myself and most importantly with my children, who are now adolescents.

Best result is my having a true partner in life who’s great with the boys and has brought me closer to my sister and our parents.

My question: You recently wrote that there’s no best time to get a divorce if a marriage is troubled... but when is the best time for getting counselling? And when should you go on your own even if your partner refuses to join you?

— Second Chance Happy ANSWER: Getting counselling should be seen no differently than seeing your doctor for a pain or condition that’s not getting better with regular remedies.

Dealing with mental health concerns is as important to well-being as treating a persistently bad cold or flu. Ignoring them makes you feel much worse.

To all readers: Don’t delay talking to a psychotherapist, psychologist, couples’ counsellor or other mental health professional, when you’re persistently feeling depressed, angry, anxious, sad or constantly stressed. A Google search will lead you to licensed therapists in your locale.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Don’t let negative self-images and mental health issues stunt your life. Seek professional counselling online, or through referral.