Man crushed as woman of dreams picks a weasel

QUESTION: Last week, I was left with a mighty hole in my chest when my co-worker, the woman of my dreams, left my heart irrevocably shattered. I cannot even bear to type her name.

I was absolutely infatuated with her as I thought she was with me. We had spent a number of weeks together taking things slow, getting to know each other and such.

Until last week, when I discovered that she has found another. It was one of the most gut-wrenching, disheartening moments of my life.

This weasel is older, stronger, wiser and much more handsome than I am.

I am so utterly lost now that my beloved girl is gone, and I will not bear to discuss this with others who are checking in. Although my reputation in the office has become one of an alluring ladies man, I thought this time would be different. Any advice for a lost soul like mine?

— Dejected ANSWER: Sometimes the object of our dreams are just that — when, in reality, we’ve created fabulous romantic scenarios and imagined fulfilment that exists only in our minds.

The fact that she would choose another during the time of your “getting-to-know each other” reflects that she wasn’t truly open with you. She was still shopping the field.

But comparing yourself to him isn’t the point. They either had stronger chemistry together or something specific drew her, e.g., perhaps even preferring an older man.

My advice is to recover your so-called “lost” soul. Be your authentic self — neither an image of a ladies man, nor a drama prince out to sweep a woman off her feet.

Infatuation is often a glorious but short-lived illusion — worth experiencing once — in order to learn that what you want to seek and find is a truly real connection. One you can build on and trust, so it’ll last.

READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding a different approach to counter the often-harsh post-divorce effects on teenagers:

My daughter, at 14, reacted to my divorce from her mother over five years ago, with absolute silence directed at me. She stayed living with her mother though I invited her to spend any time she wished with me — visiting or staying for a weekend or much longer.

My offers were met with no response, even when I invited her to spend a school winter break with me in a sunny, warm climate.

But when she graduated high school and chose an out-of-town university, she responded immediately to my visiting her there. Now 22 and in a graduate program, we’re regularly in touch. She’s met my partner of three years and they get along well. She has even stayed a few days with us.

She’s still close to her mother but has lived away at school and with roommates, so she’s not home often.

I’ve read some of the sad accounts from alienated parents whose adult children remain turned by one parent against another. I want your readers to know there’s hope for a different story.

I never gave up on re-connecting with my daughter, but I also never bad-mouthed my ex to her. I always focused my texts, phone messages or actual conversations on her, what she was doing, how she was handling school, how her friends were, etc. I showed sustained interest in her, not in pushing my case.

I hope this helps others to stay connected to their kids after a divorce causes the emotional pain of one parent pitted against another.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the widow with sexual interest in “two terrific men”:

Reader (male): Is she prepared to “share” these two men with multiple women (strangers) whose sexual histories may be very different from hers?

Age 59 doesn’t mean she isn’t capable of picking up a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or AIDS. She needs to make sure neither have a sexual disease.

Reader 2 (male): Any intimate relationship with a new partner must discuss protection and exclusivity immediately and over the long term. STDs are endemic within all age groups.

Reader 3 (female): If neither has a sexual disease, go for it with both men. She never has to worry about getting pregnant.

Reader 4 (female): She’s an experienced adult and can certainly decide this without her children’s opinions. As she knows, life is too short to not grab happiness when you can, within risk boundaries.

DEAR ELLIE: Regarding the woman who wants to find someone to love and marry but won’t use dating apps. This writer sounds like my son. He’s 42, never married and isn’t into dating apps. He’s good-looking, well-groomed with impeccable manners. Is there any way we can get them at least talking together?

— Caring Mother ANSWER: Your son will only be happy if he meets someone on his own or through a close, trusted friend. Or a match-maker, if he considers that route.

Aside from the fact that he needs to want to marry (does he?), he clearly wants/needs his own agency regarding choice. He avoids dating apps for his own reasons, which have to be accepted by you. Show your love and respect, but not your choice for his future.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

To post-divorce parents being alienated from a child: Keep reaching out, focused on the child, not yourself.