Woman has moved on and doesn’t realize it

QUESTION: My husband walked out on me in 2010 at a barbecue. He said that he was going to the washroom, but he left.

Skip some years — he married her, they divorced, now he’s living with another woman.

I’ve grieved, been angry, sad, moved house, got a new job, lost weight. Now is still my problem.

My normal weight’s back on, but

I still feel completely lost, lonely and hurt.

I’ve tried to get myself a new life, yet

I still yearn for my old life.

It was 11 years on June 27, and I still cry over the pain he caused me.

My daughter has nothing to do with him; my son is still in contact and they motorbike together.

I pray that he’s hurting still, too. He has four grandchildren whom he doesn’t see and knows nothing about.

I have everything, so why can’t I move on? Everyone thinks it gets easier with time. I beg to differ.

— Can’t Get Past It

ANSWER: There’s a time when emotional pain remains so familiar, it seems easier to accept it as part of you than to push yourself beyond the past.

The shock of how your ex-husband left you has kept you in that period of non-acceptance.

Yet you have moved on, despite your tears. Regaining your normal physical self in weight, staying connected to your adult kids, the joy of involvement with four grandchildren, are all relationships that have sustained you.

Time does heal, if you let it. Your ex has been the greater loser. He’s not the man you once loved.

Use the gift of time to recognize all that you’ve achieved without him, while he’s proven himself to be a man who can never be trusted or counted on.

QUESTION: We’re married, lived together 30plus years, have three adult children, two still living with us.

Our relationship became troubled after my partner unnecessarily suspected that I was financially helping my siblings. She also disliked that I’ve invited my widowed sister to visit though she never stayed with us.

Over time, we stopped functioning as husband and wife. We stopped our intimacy for more than five years.

We attended social functions and church together, but communicated little at home.

There was never any physical violence in the home. However, she’d falsely alleged against me and filed criminal charges of assault and choking. The matter is before the court for trial; I’ve not pled guilty.

Also, she’d filed an application to family court for divorce and sale of the house. I was the sole breadwinner while she had free access to a joint chequing account using her own debit card.

My question: What went wrong in our relationship that had no violence, free access to a bank account, and all needs fully paid by me?

— Broken Partnership

ANSWER: It’s hard to sustain a smooth marriage when there’s distrust of one party’s relatives. Perhaps your wife was jealous of your connection to siblings.

But it’s sad that those feelings would lead to lack of both intimacy and communication, creating a cold atmosphere for everyone in the home.

However, your wife’s allegations of violence are very worrisome.

Unfortunately, you make no mention of any attempts to discuss and compromise on divisive issues or to seek marital counselling.

My advice is to make sure you are clear, honest and forthright in the information you give your lawyer to present at court. I hope the same is true for your wife.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the young woman who lives and works in the big city and the man she loves, who lives and works in a rural area three hours away:

Reader: I’ve learned that jobs don’t last forever. Economy, personalities, politics, health often cause changes of employment, which can happen at any age.

This story sounds like it could be a romance of opportunity and is really only in the early stages. They should use the time and distance to really get to know each other and determine real compatibility.

If the relationship could be serious and lasting, each should investigate the possibility of finding a job near the other’s location.

As Ellie wrote, “Three hours is a mental break from city/work tensions when she travels to see you. And it’s a cityscape tour of restaurants, theatre, etc. post-pandemic, when you visit her.”

People travel longer distances each weekend to spend time at their cottages.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

The time to end grieving over a person who hurt you deeply is when you recognize that you’ve already moved on.