Is pornography a deal breaker?

QUESTION: My fiance likes porn. I don’t. He’ll watch porn whenever he has free time, or on a guys-only night with his buddies. But it’s affecting our sex life because he’s always trying to convince me to do things I’m not willing to do.

We’ve been together for almost eight years so I dislike having to keep stating my boundaries on some sexual activity.

He’s 32, has an OK job, but sometimes acts like a randy teenager, urging me to “just try it.” (We’re planning to marry in a few months but I sometimes wonder if I’m making a big mistake.)

I love him and he says he loves me. But I feel like he’s almost cheating when he goes on porn sites for hours when we could be having romantic sex. Instead, he’s watching strangers and finding that exciting!

We’ve had arguments about this from the beginning but he’s stayed with me since I was 22.

I’ve told him how sick it is that porn stars have expensive surgeries to make their sexual parts look extreme, and that they’re making a fortune from people like him who can’t afford wasted time and money.

Are eight years together enough to predict a happy future? Is his porn addiction going to carry on even after we have children? Am I selfish to not give him what he wants (he’s said this)?

— Porn is My Enemy ANSWER: It’s hard to maintain a loving union when there’s an “enemy” between you two.

You met him when young, and the fact you’re still together indicates you’ve worked hard at considering the good things you share. But though both of you profess love, porn is always an intruder.

Your boyfriend watches it daily, alone or with friends. You avoid it, always resisting the one or more sexual activities he keeps wanting.

His idea of love misses out on understanding your personal limits. And your idea of love ignores that he’s not respecting nor accepting your limits.

I’m sure both of you want to do everything to avoid a break up. But there’s little compromise between you two now. So, I suggest you postpone those wedding plans and talk to a therapist for counselling on this topic.

Can two people who want to stay together, but with fixed, contrary ideas of sexual pleasure, be happy through other major differences requiring compromises, e.g., raising children?

My answer: Not easily. Search online for a counsellor, now.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman who found out about her biological father:

Reader — “Her ‘real dad’ is the one who was there for her. The biological father abandoned her to someone else’s responsibility.

“I was abandoned in the womb and adopted. My ‘real dad’ raised me, cared for me, accepted me and loved me until he died.

“I’ll forever be grateful for the commitment to me that he accepted. The letterwriter should look at who was there for her.

“She should ask herself ‘Where would I be, what would I be?’ if not for the person she called Dad.”

Ellie — Not everyone has the same experience from similar past events. The letter-writer always felt “different” from the father she first knew, though he was a good man. He and her mom divorced when she was still young, and had a daughter with his second wife.

Learning about her biological father revealed strong similarities which have brought new confidence to her.

QUESTION: Could you assist me in getting a good therapist? I already see one, late-60s, who sometimes starts to nod off when we meet on ZOOM. When I ask for feedback and insight, he says that’s up to me to figure things out over time.

How do I find someone caring, compassionate and knowledgeable? I’m on a wait list for six months with a Toronto agency, but I’m struggling badly with depression regarding relationships in my life, especially concerning family members.

I need low-cost therapy because I have a limited income. I had a female master of Social Work (MSW) therapist previously, who was very good, but she’s retired. The psychologist I see is nice, but I don’t seem to be getting improvements.

— Stuck

ANSWER: There are many ways online to access the Affordable Therapy Network, which is a directory of therapists in Toronto and across Canada offering reduced rates, low-cost and sliding scale fees.

One example: “Hard Feeling.” Is a community of professional counsellors who provide low-cost services and support.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

When pornography is the preferred partner in a relationship, love may not make it last.