Senior couple in love with no commitment demands, challenges
QUESTION: I’ve written to you previously about an off-on relationship that left me devastated. We’re both in our 60s and met on a seniors’ dating site. He’s healthy, hardy, loves camping/canoeing/fishing. I’d never done any of that. He dumped me.
But due to our incredible chemistry he kept coming back to me and
I always accepted him.
In between, I dated some wonderful men who wanted to be my partner. But finally, my love and I re-united this past spring.
Though I love him passionately, there’ll be no more declarations of undying love from me. I now realize that he broke up with me because I was more passionate about him than he was about me. And he didn’t want me getting hurt. I was in love from “first sight,” which had never happened to me before.
We’re now happy together and I’m working at staying calm, making no demands on him, not even about commitment.
It’s a gift to have this incredible chemistry at our ages. He’s honest and would never cheat on me. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else. It isn’t merely physical, because the intimacy wouldn’t work for me if I didn’t love/appreciate the entire person.
He’s my intellectual equal, sensitive, kind, and caring, and has survived many same struggles to mine. He’s told me he loves me, and has only loved one other woman, his very first love, many years ago.
You, Ellie, have helped me immeasurably regarding this relationship.
— Grateful
ANSWER: You’ve developed the self-respect needed to face this relationship realistically: Both passionate sexually, with you overwhelmed by “first” deep love, and he realistically wary of hurting you.
Mutual chemistry is luck. But you needed personal self-assurance and mutual trust. You’ve come a long way in understanding yourself, and in respecting this man rather than trying to ìwinî him.
A happy future now depends on each of you maintaining an enduring commitment to the other.
READER’S COMMENTARY: Regarding the concerned Grandmother of a child exposed to a convicted pedophile “Grandpa:”
I agree that becoming more informed is crucial, but at this point, the safety of this child is paramount.
As a very senior nurse who’s worked in many departments of hospitals including emergency departments, paediatric units including child mental health units, and in adult mental health, this letter gave me chills with every alarm bell ringing at 10 decibels.
During my career, I’ve witnessed the destruction and sometimes death of children at the hands of†pedophiles.
To hold a dying 6-month-old infant who was so sexually traumatized, that, in spite of “we did all we could do” was simply not enough, nor seeing the team of doctors and nurses reduced to tears because we could not save an innocent.
The letter-writer doesn’t say if this person is on the sex offender’s registry. Regardless, this concerned grandmother needs to contact police IMMEDIATELY. The child is being groomed, and requires immediate protection from this man. The fact that he’s “always taking photos” (a red flag), is cause for real concern and may even be a criminal offense for him (depending upon his release conditions).
The daughter’s partner is to be commended for trying to protect this little boy and requires all the family support he can receive.
If you ever make exceptions to your rules of anonymity (and have a contact number), please consider helping this vulnerable child.
QUESTION: My ex-husband and I share custody of three teens. I divorced him because he was cheating. He doesn’t pay child/spousal support although I have the kids for slightly more time.
He repeatedly wants to change our agreed custody arrangement. He questions my decisions regarding the kids, and has lawyers bully me into giving in.
I’ve compromised to avoid the fight, spent all my savings on legal fees “for the kids’ benefit” (i.e., expensive programs and lawyers). I believe he wants to bankrupt me mentally/financially as punishment for leaving him. I’m in counseling and on medication for stress.
I have a good job but cannot afford any more parenting co-ordinators/lawyers or counseling with him. Nothing changes his behaviours. How can I save myself from ruin until our youngest is an adult?
— End of My Rope ANSWER: You need solid personal financial advice and concise direction from your own lawyer as to final changes to the existing agreement. Refuse all your ex-husbands other suggestions unless they’re court-ordered.
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
Finding passion in senior years is a gift. Handle it with care and build respectful boundaries into a thriving relationship.