Make real changes in 2021, not just resolutions

With the calendar set to flip to 2021, you can be certain many people have one thing one their minds – New Year’s Resolutions.

January is the perfect time to make personal changes in your life, or so the theory goes. In reality, however, Jan. 1 is just another date on the calendar.

“Sadly, most of these well-intentioned declarations will be abandoned quickly,” said Michael Fedunec, Counselling Services supervisor for Family and Community Support Services. “The fact that you have a desire to make some sort of change indicates you do want to improve something about your life.”

The desire may be there, so why is it so hard to make meaningful changes?

“Sometimes, we like the problems we have had for years and have a hard time letting them go, because they’re like an old friend,” said Fedunec. “You can’t imagine life without them. How would I cope with stress if I didn’t have food, cigarettes or alcohol?”

Often, our identity is attached to our problem or issues, and traits such as anxiousness, anger or absent mindedness become engrained in our personalities.

“The thought of actually making changes scares us because we have no idea who would we be without these problems,” said Fedunec.

Every defect has a payoff, he added, which can become another hurdle to overcome.

“If it didn’t have a payoff we would stop doing it. The payoff may be to simply numb ourselves to the challenges and issues we have no control over. This often leads to having an excuse to fail. It allows us to compensate for the guilt in our lives.”

People in our lives can often discourage us from making meaningful changes in our lives, according to Fedunec, who added changes might look good on paper but they fall apart in the real world, in the presence of others. But for many, there comes a time when they simply must change, no matter what obstacles stand in their way.

“It is not because your spouse, family or friend says you need to change,” said Fedunec. “It is not because you have read a good book and it tells you that you need to change. The reason why you change is because you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are personally tired of paying the price your issues are costing you.”

When the time comes, focus on one issue at a time.

“A person can become overwhelmed by looking at all the things that need changing,” said Fedunec. “Instead of focusing on changing 10 issues all at once, just address one issue.”

That approach will lead to a greater chance of success, and an opportunity to celebrate one victory at a time.

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time,” said Fedunec. “How do you handle your problems? One day at a time. You don’t take a lifetime problem and get rid of it overnight. Long-term promises to yourself are doomed to failure. As I always say, “Life by the inch is a cinch, but by the yard is hard.’ ”

Putting a focus on what you want, not what you don’t want, is another key.

“When it comes to making changes in your life, it is important to be careful about what it is that you are thinking about,” said Fedunec. “Train your mind to think about the right things. Whatever you think about most is what dominates your life. If you focus on what you have been doing, you will keep doing it.”

Putting a focus on doing good, as opposing to feeling good, is another step in the right direction, according to Fedunec.

“If you wait until you feel like changing you will never change. Changing your life is a decision followed by a process. Do the right thing even when you don’t feel like doing the right thing.”

He added when destructive patterns of behaviour begin to feel normal, that is a problem. Breaking those patterns can feel uncomfortable but in the end, it a crucial step in the process.

Putting a focus on people who will help you, not hinder you, goes a long way toward success, according to Fedunec.

“When you struggle with drinking, you don’t go to the bar for peanuts,” he said. “If you struggle with gossip, you don’t hang around people who gossip, nor do you hang around people who justify or rationalize your problem. You will not change without relationships. You need people who will praise you, affirm you and hold you accountable.”

When it comes to change, perfection is never the goal, according to Fedunec, who added the focus must be on consistent progress.

For more information, contact Fedunec at Michael.Fedunec@fcss.ca

Garrett Simmons is with FCSS Communications