Be yourself, observe then ask your questions, expert urges
When it comes to meeting women, dating coach Marni Kinrys has a word of advice for men: Ignore dating advice and just be yourself. Mind you, she admits, that’s easier said than done.
“Men have to know who they are, know what they want and understand their values. There are some guys who are so awesome and wonderful,” says the Torontoborn, L.A.-based relationship coach and author, “but they need skills.”
Number 1 on that list in her book The Wing Girl Method is to ask for what you want, because if you don’t ask, you won’t get it.
It sounds eye-rollingly obvious, but according to Kinrys, men are much more insecure than women realize and are far more likely to count themselves out of the game before even playing their cards.
“Whatever it is they believe, they’re rejecting themselves before they ever meet someone,” she says. “They could say ‘I don’t know you, I think you’re gorgeous, let’s go for coffee.’ She could reject or accept it, but if they don’t ask, they’re rejecting themselves first. I’m trying to teach them to be strong individuals, to ask for and get what they want rather than spending eight years pining for this one girl they watch from a distance.”
At times her book hedges toward the more manipulative work of her friend, Neil Strauss, and his infamous book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists.
For example, she advises men walking up to a group of women in a bar to “break the b---- shield by entering with a playful joke about the group to get everyone warmed up to you.”
After that, she adds, “once you’re able to convince them as a whole that you’re a super awesome guy who means no harm, they’ll invite you in and treat you as one of their own ... which will make going for one of them even easier.”
But Kinrys says her approach is really about “trying to help guys become a man who is calm, cool and confident about himself, someone who can laugh at themselves, set boundaries without being a jerk, be honest but tactful and own his mistakes.”
Her top advice?
Don’t be the creepy interviewer. While guys practising their skills as pickup artists (known as PUAs) hit on women in bars, parties and in public places by peppering them with questions, it comes off as overly familiar and off-putting, she says. She suggests a tactic she calls “observe, share and ask a question.”
“Rather than go into interview mode, where they fire off questions trying to figure out what she’s interested in, I tell them to lead by example. Notice something about her, expand on it by sharing about themselves and ask questions. When people explain themselves, they show tidbits of who they really are.”
When you’re asked a question, answer it. Kinrys recounts the story of a man who wrote to her complaining that PUAs advised him to remain mysterious by ducking direct questions with cheeky, indirect answers like “What do I do? I’m an astronaut, can’t you tell?” In the end, one woman told him, “You’re an arrogant man. How the hell do you expect a woman to get to know you if you don’t answer her questions?”
Turns out, if a woman is asking you questions about yourself, she’s trying to get to know you. Go figure. Tease, but be yourself.
“Women love banter with a new guy. Women love flirting. The things that we women don’t love is when someone is inconsistent, meaning their ball-busting lines seem out of character to who they are. There are multiple ways to show inconsistency, but what this indicates to women is there is something that is not genuine about this guy and to be careful,” she says.