PTSD can happen anywhere. Get professional help

My partner of five years and I split up. It was ugly – there were a lot of accusations and gossip afterwards.

I stayed above it (but for an occasional “what an idiot!”). My ex had terrible depression, suicidal ideation, and a drinking problem.

I stayed for fear of what would happen otherwise, but also because I was afraid of starting over.

Two years later, I've met the most amazing man. We love each other.

We're engaged, and very optimistic. He's supported me in getting back to my dreams of becoming a physician and I'm well on my way to doing it!

Everything's great, until this happens: I'll say something or do something and suddenly I'll experience a rush of regret and fear, and panic sets in. I then apologize profusely to the point of occasionally even breaking down.

He just looks at me puzzled, usually asking, "Why on earth would you need to apologize for that?"

I recognize the pattern but can't stop it midfreak out. Every fight, argument, and manipulation from my past relationship bubbles back up and I feel like I'm cut in half, deflated, and out of my mind!

This man, who's been through much worse than I ever have, looks at me and just chuckles because my apologizing for just being myself is completely ridiculous to him!

I want to break this pattern. I worked it into a habit for five years … now it's just a default reaction and it's driving me mental! What's going on with me and what do I do about it? Fear and Panic

You're doing something about it right now: Recognizing a pattern from that harsh past, and resolving to change whatever brings it on. You'll not let your ex's behaviour shadow your current and future happiness.

Your steps to becoming a physician should be helping you see that a treatment plan's necessary. See a mental health professional (psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist) to become aware of which triggers cause fear and panic, and what strategies will help you avoid that self-deflating reaction.

Fortunately, your fiancé's very supportive and will undoubtedly understand your need for this.

Take the next step now, by finding the right professional to start the process. (Your family doctor may refer you to someone and/or you can research professional associations and ask about the practitioner's approach).

I recently retired at 55 and have been living common-law for eight years. I have one child, 27, a married 30-year-old, and two grandchildren, ages six and ten.

My spouse's children, 20 and 23, live with us.

On retiring, I received a substantial lump sum payment and invested it. Our net worth (house not included) is over $1.6 million.

My wife retires in five years, collecting over $500,000 or $45,000 yearly pension.

I like to give my grandkids things they wouldn't normally receive — horse-back riding lessons, overnight trips to a waterpark, amusement park season passes, etc.

I'd limit spending on both to no more than $5,000 total annually. My daughter works parttime and her husband works constantly, so my taking the kids out helps my daughter get caught up.

Do you think $5,000 annually for both grandkids for the next six years is too excessive, considering our circumstances?

This issue has caused many heated arguments as my wife feels that I think the lump sum is MY money only and that I'm not thinking about making it last until we die.

I've seen my financial advisor and feel extremely confident that $5,000 per year is completely manageable.

I prefer to help my kids, my wife's kids, and the grandkids now while I can see them enjoy themselves.

I spend very little on myself other than a used boat. Grandfather Fund

Does anyone else out there think a $1.6 million nest egg is a problem?

Well, it is … relationship-wise. This isn't about spending that sum, which your financial advisor has already confirmed is manageable.

Instead, you've discovered that personal spending, when living in a union (and especially one involving children from previous unions) is a topic which easily becomes emotional.

And I'm seeing what's missing in the details that riles your partner.

There's no mention of planning for helping her future grandkids similarly, though you're aware she won't amass the same savings as you have.

Also, she has a legitimate concern about how you two will manage if you both, hopefully, live a long life together.

She deserves some reassurances – e.g. if your investments don't grow much or you have losses – that you'll cut back accordingly.

Also, if one of you has high unavoidable expenses, the grandchildren's “enjoyment” fund can be missed during that time since they do have responsible parents.

But most important, your partner needs to trust you and you must trust her.

She must feel that you're in this generositymode as a team.

However, if it keeps causing arguments, there's more that's bothering her. That's what you'll have to probe more deeply, with some counselling sessions to air it all out.