MORE MONKEYING AROUND
Apes return to the big screen, while Salvation hits TV, Chris Lackner writes.
MOVIES
Big releases on July 14: War for the Planet of the Apes; Wish Upon.
Big picture: “If we lose, it will be a planet of apes,” a bloodthirsty colonel (Woody Harrelson) tells the remnants of humanity. Have you seen the headlines lately? Can’t happen fast enough if you ask me. They deserve a shot to rule (them or dolphins).
In the third instalment of the prequel franchise, Caesar is pulled into an all-out war with humanity. Yup. humanity’s knack for violence and stupidity finally pushes the ape with heart and soul over the edge. Of course, even if they’re the good guys, watching armed apes on horseback remains just as bonechilling as in the campy original … watching them throw grenades from horseback is even more frightening. If only Charlton Heston were there to chastise those “damn dirty apes” with lines like “you blew it up!”
Meanwhile, Wish Upon is essentially a story about an evil genie in a box, minus the genie. (I guess you save on special effects and wisecracks?) When a 17-year-old is given a creepy old music box that promises to grant wishes, she becomes rich, popular and girlfriendable overnight — but everyone around her starts going to hell fast. (Speaking of news headlines, it only makes logical sense that Donald Trump found one of these boxes mid2016. Quick! Someone look in the right-hand drawer of his desk in the Oval Office.)
Forecast: Audiences will go ape. Hollywood truly is magical. Only Tinseltown could make money off us rooting for the downfall of our own species. Hail Caesar!
TV
Big events: Salvation (July 9, Global/ CBS); Friends from College (July 13, Netflix); Claws (July 12, Bravo).
Big picture: Salvation is the story of a small group of elite scientist and military types who learn humanity has only 186 days until it will likely be obliterated by a giant asteroid named Samson. (Where the hell are Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck when we need them?)
Meanwhile, a group of middle-agers navigate 20 years of post-graduation grievances, sexual tension and unrepentant juvenile instincts. It’s like The Big Chill meets Judd Apatowera comedy, as directed and produced by Nicholas Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Neighbors). The talented cast features Keegan-Michael Key, Fred Savage and Cobie Smulders.
And finally, the new drama Claws is about the cutthroat nail salon business — think Weeds meets Orange Is the New Black. (I predict/hope this series’ ruthless band of Florida manicurists are all secretly werewolves.) Forecast: Something for everyone. (Except for me: I’m the only one who wanted a series about friends from college forced to band together to stop a giant meteor populated by space werewolves.) Honourable mention: Game of Thrones (July 16, HBO Canada). The second last season is only seven episodes, but the cast and crew have said the pace of events is almost relentless. It took nearly a full season 1 for Ned Stark to lose his head. One suspects many characters won’t be able count to themselves so lucky. You can also expect an epic, realistic depiction of dragons attacking a human army. It won’t be pretty.
MUSIC
Big releases on July 14: Neil Young (Children of Destiny); The Dears (Times Infinity Volume Two).
Big picture: Rumours linger that Neil Young will put out a summer album of unreleased 1970s acoustic material, titled Hitchhiker. Until that happens, Shakey fans can enjoy his newly released single Children of Destiny. The punchy, electric ballad is a protest song for the Trump era that calls on listeners to get involved, stand up for their rights, resist the powers that be and preserve the land and oceans for “the children of destiny, the children of you and me.” (Or for the apes and their children. Either way, get cracking.)
Meanwhile, Montreal’s The Dears are back with more elegant, emotional, orchestral indie rock. Frontman Murray Lightburn’s voice is the band’s best instrument, effortlessly conjuring romance, drama and magic. Forecast: Chances are you haven’t used the words “times infinity” since your playground days. The Dears offer reason to put it back into your vocabulary. As for Young, his single serves as an appetizer for the full-length that is hopefully to come. Most Canadians would hitchhike on a musical road trip with him to just about anywhere — even through a Planet of the Apes war zone. @chrislackner79