Superstars and beach bods fill you with envy? Get off your butt and do something about it
Best thing you can do is channel that jealousy into positive action
For the past year, whenever I’ve seen a woman in a bikini, my first thought has been “show-off,” with a silent hope that her thong gives her a yeast infection. Although
I am generally a Judgmental Judy, I realize this is an unusual amount of negativity even for me.
Years ago, I dated this guy who was obsessed with Jennifer Lopez. I thought it was cute until one night we were chatting on the couch. His responses were disjointed. Then I realized he was talking to Jennifer, who was on TV at the time. Stuff like, “Hey, I just want to brush away that hair in your eyes,” and “You look so beautiful in red.”
As I was wearing black at the time, I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening. However, I was much nicer back then (read: dumb as a tree trunk) and so I laughed it off. His Jennifer obsession continued unchecked and my fake laughter grew as unhinged as a toddler in a toy store. Our relationship ended a few months later when he broke up with me. He said it was because we were incompatible, but I know it’s because I was not a Latino superstar.
After the relationship ended, I became obsessed with Jennifer Lopez — not in a loving way, but in a jealous way. Every time she was in a new movie or released an album, it was like being stabbed in the gut — which sucked, because this was in the 2000s and her career was taking off big time.
She was everywhere — on billboards, in movies, at Lloyds of London insuring her butt for a billion dollars. I would try to talk crap about her to my friends: “Well, she isn’t that great.” My friends didn’t play along and I got responses like, “Are you nuts? JLo has the face of an angel. She sings, she dances, she acts, she’s a triple threat! And she’s still down to earth — she’s Jenny from the block.”
One night I sat down and thought about this jealousy of mine. It had continued far after my feelings for my ex ended. I realized it was about something else. I was envious of Jennifer because I wanted what she had. Not the adoration of my lunkhead ex-boyfriend, but the spotlight. I wanted to be on stage, I wanted to perform, I wanted to insure my butt (the most SGI would offer was $15).
Once I realized what was driving my behaviour, I took action. I enrolled in acting lessons, I went to auditions, I started performing standup comedy. Within a short time of taking action, all of those crappy feelings faded away.
My envy led me to interesting places: one time to being an extra in one scene in the movie Skulls, which paid $45 and a pizza pop; another time it led to a co-hosting gig on an APTN television show.
Which is why I think envy is not a bad thing. When you feel it curling inside of you like a poisonous snake, think about what you’re really pissed about. For instance, my surliness over women in bikinis has nothing to do with woman showing off their unfairly flat abs, it’s because I haven’t lost my pregnancy weight and it bugs me. So I’ve started working out, training for a fivekilometre race and watching what I eat. So far, my weight loss is so minuscule it could only be measured by a scale invented by NASA, but it’s a step in the right direction.
People always say it’s important to follow your dreams to honour your soul or whatever. But I feel it’s important to follow your dreams just to stop yourself from being an insufferable ass.