Hold your horses with climate change denial

I hate to be the one to announce it — but we are being played. When it comes to climate change, there is no reality — there’s just fakery and scary statistics that yes, sound completely real and convincing — but that’s what “they” want you to believe.

Climate change is a conspiracy so vast, so complicated, that it took at least an hour of Googling soothsayers like Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and Donald Trump to get to the bottom of it. And why would they lie to us? They only make a living from telling us the facts that are 91 per cent verifiable by their gut instincts.

(Did you know that the actual definition of “fact” is “opinions bellowed into a microphone by a crimson-- faced man?” Now you know.)

Let me explain how the conspiracy works. “Big Climate” tells us “facts” like the world surface temperature has increased by 1.1 C in the last 100 years, that 16 of the 17 warmest years on record have happened since 2001, and that glaciers are shrinking almost all over the world.

Now these facts sound scary — they certainly made my bowels twist — but that’s what “they” want. They want you to be scared so that you will change your behaviour: stop driving gas guzzling beasts, start recycling, move to eating sustainable foods, start forcing corporations to be more environmentally responsible, elect politicians who are committed to protecting the water and land. And why? Let’s follow the thread. Who has the most to gain from these changes?

Your first instinct might to be point to hippies, that offshoot of aging boomers sans the second home. And maybe you even think Gen X is involved, that group of alienated, over-self-medicated loners. Or perhaps you suspect the millennials, that jobless, houseless collection of vegans. They’re part of it; their dreadlocks are into literally everything. But it goes deeper than all of them.

Think about where most of this information is coming from: the internet. And what is the internet best at? Spying on exes, finding ways to make $30,000 a month while working from home(!) and hiding identities. And anonymity is key here. Because “they” don’t want us to know who they are. But we can put it together from the evidence. Reducing dependency on gas-powered vehicles, moving toward plant-based diets, dramatically reducing the number of cows … you’re starting to get it now, right? It’s horses.

It was horses all along. Horses want us to become more environmental because it fits into their agenda of being the primary mode of transportation — which will increase their numbers and their importance. Also, like most mammals they breathe air and consume water.

You have to hand (hoof?) it to them — they did a good job of hiding their tracks so that not even Mantracker could find them, throwing us off with their big guileless eyes and soft, velvet noses. But did you ever notice how a horse never looks you in the eye?

Still not convinced? Just go into any barn at night and you will see them busy at work, tapping away on their laptops, filling the internet with misinformation.

Now I don’t know about you, but I refuse to be manipulated by four-leg -geds. No, I for one will carry on with my consumption unabated.

So horses, you can stop all of your antics. No need to fill my Twitter feed with news about 500-year storms happening within days of each other, or mass flooding around the world, or even about the smoke currently hanging in our atmosphere. No, I will continue to ignore that evidence and continue to be a proud climate change denier, or if you will, a dedicated “neigh-sayer.”