VANSTONE:
If you don’t have anything good to say, write a column.
WARNING: As I prepare to inflict this column upon the readership, I am in a toxic mood.
It is 4:53 a.m. I can’t sleep. I can’t find anything worth watching on television. A lightbulb just burned out, so reading is not an option — principally because I am too lazy to go downstairs and find a new lightbulb.
Don’t expect the randomly chosen words that follow to be especially illuminating, either.
I do not present solutions — only problems.
Yes, dear reader, it is time for another list of pet peeves — things that are really buggin’ me. This column, as always, is affectionately dedicated to my late, great spaniel-terrier, Peeve (1984-1991). Arf.
• CNN “discussion” panels that quickly degenerate into everybody talking — no, screaming — at once.
• The CNN “interview” I watched during Hurricane Harvey. The interviewee was a lady who had a baby during the first few hours of the tropical storm. She was sharing a compelling story but, for some reason, the “interviewer” persisted with inane interjections before the entire “interview” was scrapped. Cue commercial.
• Teenagers who, with increasing frequency, ride their bicycles in the middle of the road — especially in Wascana Centre — at night. And if you honk at them to get out of the way, they start swearing and making obscene gestures.
• “President Trump.” I will never get used to that. It will never look right.
• Alleged sports columnists who opine about politics.
• “Interviewers” who preface questions to the head coach of a team they cover with “Coach.” The players have every reason to use the “Coach” reference. But, the last time I checked, “Coach” is in charge of the players, not the reporters. Why some media types persist in being so deferential to a “Coach” is beyond me? Why not just wave some pompoms while asking the questions?
• “Questions” that actually aren’t phrased as a question. Example: “The running game was sure effective today.”
• Worse yet: “Coach, the running game was sure effective today.”
• People who expect reporters to be cheerleaders. Do you want propaganda or do you want the truth?
• Contemplating a trip to the United States and realizing that considerably more time will be spent in airports than in the air.
• The sinking feeling that Wascana Pool will soon be closing. Sigh. I love Wascana Pool.
• People who park diagonally and consume two stalls.
• Inflated concession prices at theatres and sporting events.
• The personal inflation that results from inveterate consumption of concession fare.
• American radio stations that are not available online in Canada. I would love, love, love, love to listen to KOA Denver all the time, but the American version of iHeartRadio is not accessible north of the border. The Canadian version does not offer KOA.
• Fox Sports Radio. It is awful. Awful, awful, awful. Yet, some Canadian all-sports stations pick up Fox programming. Yes, we can get THAT in Canada, but not KOA.
• The mail. Nobody writes letters anymore. So what is inside the mailbox 99.999 per cent of the time? Bills, bills, bills, bills. And who needs printed bills, anyway? All of this can easily be done online.
• Autobiographies that have fewer than 300 pages. If your life story doesn’t warrant at least 300 pages, it isn’t worth telling – or buying.
• The diminishing number of book stores, everywhere.
• The Senate. Your tax money at work, folks.
• The lack of characters or candour throughout the hockey industry.
• People who are selectively congenial — nice to their boss, or to someone who can do something for them, but surly or distant to everyone else.
• The University of Regina’s Centre for Kinesiology, Health and Sport. First-class facility. First-class people throughout the premises. Worst venue name, ever. Change it. Please.
• It is, say, second-and-eight and a quarterback completes a pass for a gain of, say, four. Punt. At least look downfield and try to move the chains.
• Any offensive co-ordinator who calls for such a play.
• People who conclude a telephone conversation by abruptly hanging up instead of saying “good-bye.”
• The “convenience charge” that is applied to a ticket purchase. It really should be called an “inconvenience charge” or, preferably, scrapped altogether.
• Lengthy, rambling voice-mail messages.
• Lengthy, rambling columns that consist of chronic complaining. Please accept my sincere apologies.
• Insincere apologies.