Unfortunately kindness sometimes backfires

My husband and I divorced 12 years ago. He’s an alcoholic; it was a rough marriage.

He was especially hard on our youngest daughter, and often compared her negatively to our two older girls.

He now lives overseas and rarely travels to see his daughters (twice).

When his elderly mother became ill, he asked if he could stay with us. Our youngest daughter, 22, and her boyfriend live with me, and my husband of six years.

We all agreed, knowing it wouldn't be easy. But it turned out worse than we expected.

His actions took our daughter back to years of feeling “not-goodenough” for him. He also insulted her boyfriend. My husband had to be restrained from throwing him out. When he left after two weeks, we all said, “Never again!”

How do I handle this? Should I email him describing the harm he caused yet again to his daughter? Or just cut off any contact from him with her and us? Never Again A Goodbye-Forever speech won't be necessary.

Though it's understandable that you'd like to hurl back descriptions of his hurtful actions, it's up to your daughter to speak for herself, if she ever chooses to do so.

But there are two other daughters, his mother, and family members who'd be part of the drama that might erupt from that move.

He lives far away. If he ever asks to stay over again, the answer is “No.”

Meanwhile, help your daughter recover emotionally with calm, loving support.

My dearest friend’s very private two-year "relationship” upsets me. He (32) lives with her (27), but maintains his own apartment.

Only close friends know their arrangement. He refuses to acknowledge her as “girlfriend.”

He's a support for her, buys her gifts, they have fun together. He says he isn't ready to officially move in.

He sometimes hangs out with female acquaintances and tells her.

I don't know how to advise/support her. He seems to be playing games with her.

She doesn't stick up for herself. She's unhappy but won't discuss it.

Frustrated Friend

Everything you know about this “arrangement,” she knows too. She's chosen to stick with it.

You can be supportive by asking questions without judging.

Express confidence that she'll eventually call him out on whether he's committed to her or not.

I’ve had issues at home, my romantic life’s non-existent, financial trouble, a car accident, I was hospitalized, etc.

I'm very depressed – lost my motivation, and my thoughts have turned somewhat dark. I don't know how to pick myself up anymore.

I wish I could feel as positive as I used to, but it's as if I have nothing left to look forward to.

Close to Giving Up

Who would not be depressed from all that? Yet, there's plenty of reasons for hope ahead.

How? Well, the accident's over, you're out of the hospital. One thing at a time can get better, so long as you DON'T give up.

Depression holds you back. See your doctor, and start some treatment. If medication's required, ask for something to lift your mood, but not addictive or over-sedating.

You do have your life ahead.

Talk to your bank's financial adviser, get back out with people. You'll eventually find romance again.

My mother’s been neglecting any self-hygiene. It’s becoming intolerable.

Her health's failing. She refuses my help or any guidance I offer, turning nasty in response.

Someone suggested that she's too embarrassed to address her failing health. Her teeth fall out, she can barely walk and she's very overweight.

She doesn't bathe — she visited me for seven days without showering!! It's gross, embarrassing me, and I can't deal with it anymore. But she's my mother. Torn

Getting grossed out does nothing to help your mother. She needs a medical check, diagnosis, and treatment. She's undoubtedly scared even more than embarrassed.

At this point, your concerns have to be all about her, not your discomfort. Tell her you love her and want her alive and well. Book the doctor appointment and go with her, with notes about specific health problems.

She needs your help, and you can give it.