ASK ELLIE

Q: After my husband's best friend died last year, he started an affair.

He'd wanted to marry that same woman 50 years prior.

When that didn't happen, he married another woman. Twenty years later, he had a disastrous affair which ended in his attempting suicide.

We met several years later, together 22 years, which have been rough because of his fragile ego.

But the past few years, we've been doing well. We're in our 70s. He has a high-profile community position.

The woman from his past and he fell into each other's arms when he reported his friend's death.

He's tossed me aside romantically. She cannot leave her marriage.

They live two hours apart but are emailing several times daily, phoning, and meeting for wonderful, clandestine sex.

When I discovered their affair, he promised me never to have contact with her again.

We were intimate, but within days, he emailed her saying that “no other woman could come close to her magnificence.”

I was devastated, blew up, and we now have no romantic contact.

He claims that we'll be impoverished if we go our separate ways, plus he doesn't want his adult children or the community to know what he's doing.

I'm very sad, very angry, but would never trust him again. What do I do? Devastated

A: Enough about him – his past, his old love, his ego, his great sex, his community status . . .

What about you? How long can you “get along well” while he lies, has sex elsewhere, and puts on a phony public face for the community and his adult kids?

If he's been successful, you won't be “impoverished” in a split. He's threatening that possibility, to protect his image and his own finances, not necessarily yours.

See a lawyer. Know what's at stake and what isn't.

Even if you decide to stay, do so on your own terms. Travel, see friends. Date if you wish.

You don't have to hold up his image, just focus on what's best for you.

Q: I'm the father of a girl, 18, who recently entered university and found her first boyfriend.

We're a close family. I understand her internal need to be more on her own. However, university and the boyfriend have accelerated the leaving process with barely enough time for me to adjust.

She's still living at home and commuting to school in a car we provided for that purpose.

She often leaves the house with no notice.

Now she's begun staying overnight in the town where her boyfriend's going to school without informing us beforehand.

I wake up in the morning and she's not there.

My wife, more liberal, says that if she were staying on campus we'd have no idea what she's doing anytime.

I'm uncomfortable with this since she's living at home. I believe in a few respectful rules, like communicating with her parents who care about her well being.

Is it okay to say that, “While you live here you should give a good reason why you can't make it back the occasional night?”

Or, has that ship sailed?

Conflicted and Worried Too

A: You raised a responsible daughter who can now sail on her own.

But not through every situation. For her safety, you both need to know where she is, if she's not coming home at night.

Living in her parents' home does require notice of when she's leaving.

While you mustn't try to “control” her life (though you wish you still could), she's chosen to be connected to her home and family.

Checking in with a “Hi folks, I'm staying in X's town tonight, everything's fine,” is a required courtesy.

Q: I registered four years ago on a few free dating websites. I landed just one date.

I'm in my 50s and have had no sex in the last seven years.

People on dating sites don't just say fearlessly what they're after.

I think things would be way simpler without these dating sites. What do you think?

Getting Nowhere

A: The numbers of couples in longterm relationships, who say they met online, are enough to keep hope alive in many who join dating sites. But it doesn't work for everyone. You need a different approach. The “old” way of meeting potential dates still works for many:

Get involved in your community, attend local events, and join a group sport like volleyball, or regular walking or hiking outings.