IT will take more than a clown to scare me

Maybe it’s time for a sneaky raccoon to flex its claws as a scary movie star

IT, a movie about a demonic sewer clown, was released weeks ago and everyone I knew was like, “Did you see IT? IT is amazing.”

“Is IT, really?”

“IT really is the sh-T.” I don’t go to many movies; our toddler has made it clear movie theatres are not for sitting but rather for running in the aisles, and that the best popcorn is popcorn scavenged from the floor — so no, I did not see IT.

Whether you saw IT or not, people were convinced IT was the scariest thing ever. I saw the trailers and I was like, “meh.” Clowns have never been scary to me. More like weird, dumb and boring. But never scary. Probably the scariest thing about clowns is forcing me to watch them for an entire movie. The mere act of putting makeup on your face makes you not scary — how can you be afraid of someone who takes longer to get ready than Kim Kardashian?

Also, I look at that clown and all I can think of is how that greasy makeup must be clogging his pores. He’s in for some big cyst pimple action down the road. Maybe in between tormenting kids he should sneak in a facial. Also, how does he chase people down in those big floppy shoes?

But if clowns are the thing that makes your knees weak, good for you. Movie-makers are always looking for those things that scare the pants off people. When I was a kid, the scary movies were about masked serial killers targeting horny teens. It was as if the movies were written by a strict parent trying to scare their pants ON their kids.

Those movies taught me if you’re ever chased through the woods by a guy in a hockey mask, don’t run wildly with your hands waving in the air — you’ll always trip on a tree root and break your ankle. Walk at a quick pace, keep low and if you can, bring along a blond with an aversion to bras.

Then scary movies got into kitsch and gore, leading to treasures like Chucky, who was a child-sized doll with an oversized head that comes to life and is evil. I feel like that movie was only scary to babysitters and hat-makers.

Zombies, whether they are fast or slow, have had a long run (shamble?). Despite their body count, zombies aren’t evil; they’re just hungry — so again, it’s hard to get scared by them.

There’s also movies about animals turned evil, like the shark in Jaws and the bear in The Revenant. I feel like that bear was the physical embodiment of all the supermodel rage directed at Leonardo DiCaprio for dumping them as soon as they turned the big 2-5.

Generally, large predators are the ones filmmakers focus on, but I feel like it’s time raccoons got their day. Yes, they’re cute, but they also have claws and they’re sneaky.

I’m scared of only two things: snakes and heights. I’m not scared of one snake — one snake can be interesting, even beautiful. I’m scared of lots of snakes moving and crawling in all directions. As for heights, if you’re not scared of heights then you’re a fool — don’t you know people can’t fly?

So with those two fears, you’d think the movie Snakes on a Plane would have given me nightmares. But Samuel Jackson took all the fear out of the movie; ain’t nobody need to be scared when Samuel Jackson is around. Maybe someone should look into a security system with his voice.

Generally, scary movies want to get across two points: that anything can be scary with the right music, and that just when you think you’re safe, the killer will jump back up and attack again. So if you’re ever scared, just put on some elevator music and you should be fine.

And, never — ever — turn your back on a clown. Or a raccoon.

The scariest thing about clowns is forcing me to watch them.