‘Surprise dates’ — it’s complicated
Things can get uncomfortable when two people miscommunicate
Five years ago, I became good friends with a gentleman in my beginner dance class. We had good dance chemistry, so we would go to multiple classes and open dance sessions each week. We weren’t “together,” but we’d check in and see if the other person was going and dance with each other frequently. These meetups weren’t dates and didn’t feel like them, but after a few weeks of this, my dance partner asked me to get dinner instead.
I had entertained the idea of a romantic connection early on in the dance friendship, but as we remained platonic for weeks, I had closed off the possibility in my mind. This dinner seemed too late to be a move toward romance.
We ate at a romantic restaurant and got entirely off the subject of dancing, talking about our families and other personal topics. I found myself asking outright whether it was a date or not, and I got a confusing answer: “I don’t know.”
The confusion was eventually cleared up through a few multihour talks: We weren’t meant to be in a romantic relationship. Part of my concern was the confusing way our relationship would have started, especially since it made me feel like he wasn’t interested enough to make a clear move. And this confusion also ended up having a chilling effect on what was otherwise a good friendship.
This kind of “surprise date” — a social outing that turns out to be a date, even if one or both parties don’t know it beforehand — can seem innocent enough, and perhaps exciting. But to me, it seems like a way to risk making a friendship uncomfortable or creating misunderstandings.
“The words ‘date,’ ‘romance,’ and ‘sex,’ even, are taboo words and they make people nervous,” said Thomas Edwards, a professional wingman. “To alleviate that anxiety, they use softer words like ‘let’s hang out;’ it makes everything a bit more casual but also confuses the intention.”
Meetups with co-workers, friends or acquaintances from clubs or organizations can sometimes fall into in this middle ground between a date and not. There might also be more at stake if the intentions are expressed poorly, as compared to a casual first date arranged on Tinder.
Intentions can become a serious issue in an era when Harvey Weinstein and other men accused of sexual misconduct have allegedly tried to initiate physical contact in encounters that were purportedly business-related. Even when nothing illegal is happening, when someone creates an atmosphere of romance without voicing their intentions, they might make the person uncomfortable.
Given these complications, specifically saying, “Want to go on a date?” can be useful.
“Doing a surprise date, even when done in a non-aggressive, undeniably romantic, wellintentioned way, can be tricky,” says Laurel House, a dating and empowerment coach.
Even when no one intends a surprise date to be manipulative, they can come across that way.
If simply asked to eat dinner together, without the implication of a date, many people might say yes in part because they thought they were safely out of “date” territory.
“At its best it could be an awkward situation for the person to gracefully bow out of,” Kali Rogers, founder of Blush Online Life Coaching. “At its worst, they could easily feel like they’re being sexually harassed. It’s best not to put somebody you like in either of those situations.”