Father Figures is an epic cinematic catastrophe.
This column is (cue predictable preamble) is affectionately dedicated to my late, great spaniel-terrier, Peeve (1984-1991).
Here, once again, is a list of pet peeves — things that are really buggin' me …
• Winter. This isn't the most wonderful time of the year. It feels like we have been shivering forever, but spring isn't anywhere on the horizon.
• Someone who refers to an athlete setting a “new record.” The “new” is redundant. Just say “set a record” and all is good.
• References to a retired athlete as, for example, a “former Roughriders great.” Once a great, always a great. Dispense with the “former.”
• Annoying fans who bang on the Plexiglas during a hockey game.
• Really annoying fans who stand up, turn to the TV camera, and wave while a hockey game is in progress.
• Guest submission from Mary Anne of Princeton, B.C.: “People who say 'whilst.' Just say 'while'!" (I will now resume control of the column, which is suitable for framing.)
• Drivers who don't clear the snow off their rear windshields, only to obliviously wade into traffic.
• Slow drivers on the Ring Road. Reminder: The speed limit is 100 kilometres per hour. Some people seem to think it is 100 hours per kilometre.
• Between-periods interviews with hockey players. Nothing of substance is ever uttered. Bring back Peter Puck!
• People who do, not understand where to, place a, comma.
• Hotels that charge for use of the Internet.
• Airlines that charge baggage fees, especially on long-haul flights.
• The “convenience charge” on ticket purchases.
• Cold, corporate names for sporting venues. I miss Maple Leaf Gardens, the Montreal Forum and, yes, Taylor Field.
• Sports networks that show the same program on multiple channels.
• Shopping for clothes. Especially pants. It's the worst.
• Really ... slow ... national ... anthems.
• Hockey analytics. All I know about “Corsi” is that it is something I took in university.
• Baseball analytics.
• Analytics.
• Any public statement that begins with “On behalf of …” At that point, you know it is safe to tune out.
• The CFL's selective salary ceiling. Players' salaries are capped. However, teams are free to spend whatever they want on coaches, general managers, etc. The CFL Players' Association should attempt to end this inequity during upcoming collective-bargaining negotiations.
• The grim realization that the CFLPA will eventually buckle and settle for a substandard contract.
• Arthritis. I had to quit playing touch football because my right knee was shot. I had at least three good minutes left in me.
• Any weather forecast that does not include the word “Humidex" (with profuse apologies to Tiffany Lizee, Kahla Buchanan, Christy Climenhaga and Al Roker).
• Apologizing for a “pet peeves” item instead of simply deleting it.
• Dieting. I miss everything that is delectable. And I would give my life savings for one serving of ice cream that would not add to my girth.
• Songs with indecipherable lyrics.
• Unpenalized cross-checks. Cross-checking often happens right in front of an official, who may or not be conscious.
• Goaltenders. They all have the same style. Any individualism has been drained out of the position.
• Hockey nicknames. They used to be gold. Gump Worsley, we miss thee. Today, such a player would be nicknamed “Worsey.”
• Major League Soccer. Thank goodness the seemingly interminable season is over.
• People who refuse to comment when contacted by a reporter, only to complain about the story once it is published or broadcast.
• Upper-body injuries.
• Lower-body injuries.
• Blanked ends in curling.
• The fact that nearly 63 million people thought it was a good idea to vote for Donald Trump.
• The United States' electoral system. Hillary Clinton received nearly three million more votes than Trump, but the latter candidate was elected. So much for the will of the people.
• Sports writers who wade into politics.
• The disappearance of good manners. I routinely receive emails from readers who ask if the Leader-Post could do a story on such-andsuch. Rare is the request that includes the word “please.”
• Coffee cups that are thrown all over the place.
• The erosion, if not disappearance, of the English language. Since when did “ur” and “2" become words?
• “Father Figures.” It the worst movie I have ever seen — and I saw “The Love Guru.” When Terry Bradshaw is the best actor in a movie, you know something has gone horribly wrong.
• The migration of “compete level” — typically a hockey term — into football parlance.
• Emails in which the only writing is found in the subject line.
• Consolation games in fantasy football. Who cares?
• Bronze-medal games at the Brier or Scotties Tournament of Hearts. Who cares?
• Indifference.