The horrifying story behind Nacho-gate

In more than 30 years at the Regina Leader-Post and its sister publications, I have strived to attain the highest standards in journalism. But not today.

I’m going to write about nachos. The impetus for this column, which is suitable for framing, was a pre-Super Bowl poll on CJME’s Green Zone.

The host, Jamie Nye, launched the Glutton Bowl to determine the snack food that was most compatible with the NFL’s championship game.

Listeners were asked to cast votes for delicacies such as wings, shrimp rings, pizza, ribs, dips, chili, baconwrapped thingies and (you guessed it) nachos.

“Yuck,” I said, eloquently, during my segment on the show.

Jamie gave me that ever-respectful “why are you even on this show?” look.

“Nachos are gross,” I elaborated. Suddenly, everyone was looking at me as though I had grown an antler.

Jamie shook his head. Darrell Davis was aghast. The CRTC began to look into the matter.

Joel Gasson was so incredulous that he tweeted a photo of (yuck!) nachos and commented: “And somehow Rob Vanstone doesn’t like something this amazing. I can’t wrap my head around it.”

Someone named @RealAmyD tweeted: “Who the (heck) doesn’t like nachos?”

Me. They’re gross.

They’re gooey and stinky. (This sentence, alone, should guarantee me that elusive National Newspaper Award.)

Anytime someone orders nachos, I have to look the other way and avoid inhaling.

I am usually pretty tolerant. For example, I have seen several Ed Helms movies. But I still can’t look at nachos.

Am I crazy? (Don’t answer that.) In an effort to understand the nacho phenomenon without really going to any trouble, I reached out to Arthur White-Crummey — one of the foremost food experts who happens to be in the newsroom while I am writing this column and pad it to the requisite length. (See: National Newspaper Award.)

Here is an exclusive interview with The Guy Whose Desk Is Closest To Mine Until He Requests A Transfer ...

Vanstone: Why do people think I am bonkers simply because I detest nachos?

White-Crummey: I can see why people would be very upset with you, because nachos are a very versatile food. They’re easy to make and they’re social. Those, to me, are the strengths of nachos.

Vanstone: But they look repulsive!

White-Crummey: Yeah, and they’re messy, and they fall apart. They get cheese all over the place, and sauce.

Vanstone: So why do you eat them, then?

White-Crummey: Because they’re everywhere, especially sports bars.

Vanstone: Time-share scams are everywhere, too, but that doesn’t mean you should want any part of them.

White-Crummey: They’re just kind of like the fallback sports-bar meal that’s just always there. You generally know that you’re not going to hate it, but you’re not going to love it, either.

Vanstone: Why not just order something you love instead of settling like my wife did?

White-Crummey: It’s more of a risk. I find that, with nachos, you at least know what you’re going to be getting.

Vanstone: I would recommend nose plugs.

White-Crummey: I don’t think they smell bad. I’ve never felt that way. I don’t know where you get your nachos.

Vanstone: Do I smell bad? White-Crummey: Transfer, please.

Clearly, I won that argument. Nachos, you see, are in the same league as ...

POUTINE. I will never understand this one. Just order fries! Fries are delicious. Why bury them in redolent goo? (White-Crummey: “You don’t like poutine? There is something wrong with you.”)

PUTIN. Attempted to manipulate electoral process in the United States.

CAESAR SALAD. I tried it once and it was like devouring a pill. I quickly washed down every torturous bite with gallons of water.

BROWN RICE.This column, if ingested, would be tastier.

SOUR CREAM. Even the name is repugnant. Why would anyone consume cream that is sour?

KETCHUP ON SCRAMBLED EGGS. The absolute worst ever!!! Looks awful. Cannot possibly taste good unless the alternative is a used insole.

“I knew you had problems,” allworld godson Eric Anderson said, “but I didn’t think they were this bad.”

Eric, Eric, Eric ... how can you eat that stuff ?

“I don’t get how you enjoy any food without any sort of sauce,” Eric replied.

Because, dear godson, I am a man of class and taste — with a discerning palate and a keen eye for noncolumns.

“You’re just a ..."