Get help for seriously depressed friends

Q: I reconnected with an old friend several years ago.

We spent a lot of time together and our daughters got along well.

She started dressing like I did, cutting her hair like mine, suddenly having my same interests and saying we were soul mates.

It felt almost scary. I distanced somewhat, but she still texts me almost daily.

She frequently mentions her lesser income, compares everything I have to what she doesn’t have.

She constantly talks about her health problems (never diagnosed), and how hard her life is. She says she plans on dying at 50.

We last hung out last summer, on a weekend with our teenage daughters. She was negative the whole time. So was her daughter.

I still talk to her and listen to her problems, because I feel badly for her.

She’s been spending a lot, insisting she only has a few years left. Her “plan” — which she’s shared with her daughter — is to put her daughter through university, travel for a year with her, then kill herself.

I know she’s probably very depressed. I don’t know if she’s seeking attention or serious.

My first instinct was to distance myself more, but that would make me a horrible person. Emotionally Draining

A: It’s a tragic “plan” and understandably uncomfortable for you to hear and worry whether she’ll carry it out.

Yet you apparently don’t want to just walk away.

She probably is seeking attention, so give her what you can of yours.

Say that unless she sees a doctor for her health issues and likely depression, you can’t sit idly by while she plans a suicide.

Ask her whether she’d prefer that you alert mental health authorities to help her get treatment, or that she does it on her own. (Call anyway yourself, to get professional advice).

Tell her that if she stays with her plan, you can’t support the stressful friendship any longer.

IF you can reach any of her relatives or other friends, you could consider organizing an intervention with professional help.

If not, you can only do what you can handle emotionally.

Q: I’ve been seeing this guy on/off for 12 years.

Whenever we broke up for several weeks or months, we got back together, until last year when I saw him three times.

I love him.

He’s been legally separated for 18 years, children grown, but keeps helping his exes (giving a ride, fixing their houses).

I now believe that some of our past arguments were deliberate, so he could have a break and hang out with his exes.

I’ve celebrated some of his birthdays with him. With mine, he’s usually mad at me and doesn’t even call.

Whenever I point out things he’s done which hurt me, he denies they happened.

I know what I should do but I just wanted to hear it from you. I hurt everyday. Lost Love

A: Twelve years, no Happy Birthday calls. It doesn’t say it all — there must’ve been some good times and reasons why you loved him — but it says “Enough!”

You gave your heart and he held on to his. Yes, you know what you need to do.

Start with taking care of yourself: Give yourself time to heal, and then value yourself to not let anyone squander your emotions again.

Q: My elderly mother-in-law said about my nephew that he’s “a bad grandson” for not having a similar relationship with her as my son.

My MIL told me that my sisterin-law responded, untruthfully, that my son only visits her to eat.

I asked my SIL to apologize. She stressed it was a private conversation, and then denied making the remark. I haven’t spoken to her since.

My MIL later reported something mean and untrue that my SIL told my nephew about my husband.

My husband and I want nothing more to do with his brother and SIL. His mother, believing that her two sons are very close, now blames me for “tearing the family apart.”

My husband says I should ignore all of this, but I can’t since I’m the one that’s blamed. What can I do? Deeply Upset

A: I’m with your husband. This is petty nastiness. Giving into it just drags you down.

Since you’re not like them, be proud and stay aloof.

Attend what you have to, suggest that the two brothers meet on their own, turn away from badmouthing from either woman. Change the topic or walk away.