Tread carefully when commenting on appearances
Q: I began dating a friend of mine after knowing him for several years. The relationship is wonderful.
He’s caring and attentive, and my champion. He’s the person with whom I want to spend my life.
However, I find it hard not to notice that his teeth are very discoloured and need some serious dentistry to fix multiple chips and other issues.
It's very noticeable in his smile, distracting when speaking to him, and something that I’m a bit embarrassed by.
I have the funds to be able to pay for him to fix his smile. But I don't know if I should, or how to even approach the subject with him. Where to Begin?
A:Begin with the sensitivity that you already recognize is needed.
That means NOT mentioning that you’re embarrassed by his appearance, which is what a “smile” first shows.
You’d make him far too uncomfortable and likely hurt too.
It also means not offering to pay to “fix” him. That’s how he might feel about your doing so, even though it’s only about dental work and generous.
No, the best approach is to somehow raise the topic of teeth one day – perhaps as a healthy topic, or an anecdote from your youth – not about him, specifically.
If he shows interest in hoping to have dental work done someday, that’s when you can offer to loan him the money now, since cared-for teeth are important to overall health.
Q: My dad has three kids, all with different moms (me and one brother are both 20, our younger brother’s 11).
He worked three jobs because our moms weren’t reliable.
He married my current step-mom 16 years ago.
But my eldest brother and I didn’t get along with her, as she’d make hurtful and mean comments.
After she had my youngest brother, it led to me taking care of a child almost full-time when I was ten.
She became manipulative, threatened to not let us see our youngest brother, and told lies to my dad and extended family about how mean we were.
My eldest brother moved in with his mom and refuses to visit - upsetting Dad, their son, and me.
She’s made my life miserable, depressed, and hopeless because I cannot afford to move out.
My dad does little about it anymore, saying I shouldn't let her attitude affect me, just be mature enough to deal with it.
Now that I'm older and not scared, I’ll tell her off because I REFUSE to be bullied anymore.
But she's successfully manipulated my younger brother into thinking our older brother doesn't love him and has started to badmouth me to him as well.
My dad won’t leave, wanting to keep the “family” together but he doesn't realize it fell apart when she became part of it.
Dad and my brothers are everything to me but I cannot help but pull away to keep from completely falling apart. Heartbroken A: You’ve done very well in tough circumstances, staying as close as possible to your father and committed to your brothers.
And despite your father’s passivity regarding his wife’s attitude toward you, he’s tried to maintain his belief in the benefits of staying as “family.”
You’re an adult now, already pulling away emotionally. And that’s okay.
But instead of just feeling upset and wishing he’d leave her, you need your own plan to move forward.
Your dad’s worked hard, and likely feels he needs peace with her. Their son needs both parents.
You need a future.
Start looking forward, not backward. Focus on what kind of education and work you want in your now-adult life.
If possible, take courses that lead to practical possibilities for getting work.
Start to save money, perhaps even consider rooming with your same-age brother if and when you both have enough to share expenses.
There are lots of possibilities ahead. If your depression persists, see your doctor and ask for counselling help.
You’ve shown strengths and abilities since childhood. Now take steps toward your own independence.
You’ll connect with “family” in your own time and ways.