Can’t we just get along?
How adults can set a better example for children — and why they should
I had a social media experience recently that shook me, and the more I reflect, the more worried I become — as a citizen, a teacher and a father.
I was surprised that a friend who believes in kindness, empathy and respectful discourse posted a mean-spirited meme about a political controversy. It was a smug, gratuitous dig that didn’t advance the debate.
We all sometimes act in ways that contradict our beliefs. My own actions frequently fall short of my ideals. The meme itself wasn’t the issue, though, so much as the conversation that followed. When someone expressed surprise at the meme’s tone, my friend acknowledged it was juvenile but said an ideological opponent had been particularly annoying that day. My friend shared the meme in response, knowing it was a cheap shot — in fact, choosing it because it was a cheap shot — that would upset the foe. My friend intentionally discarded those values of kindness, respect and reasoned discourse, to get under someone’s skin. Sadly, we needn’t look far for examples of people abandoning core values for the sake of political fights, or because they decide someone else deserves censure, shame or anger. We have become so polarized politically that we see things through an increasingly partisan, ideological or tribal lens. As a dad and a teacher, I worry about the message this sends our children. We rightly lament the vicious way some teens treat each other on social media, but I wonder if we have helped create that environment.
If I contribute to a snarky, disrespectful climate by tweeting a mean-spirited jab or sharing a snarky meme, can I be surprised that teens absorb, and then mimic, those actions? Children, including teens, learn by consistency and modelling. No matter what we say, they mirror what we do. If they see adults being mean online, they will do the same.
We may preach respect, but our behaviour, both online and in person, is teaching children that it’s acceptable to be rude as long as it’s funny, or directed at people we dislike. It has become permissible — even encouraged — to take cheap shots, reduce complex problems to memes and turn human beings into caricatures.
That’s not righteousness; it’s self-righteousness, a fancy-dress version of self-indulgence. If children learn their morality from self-indulgent adults, we will have done them a disservice. We will also have created a world, both real and digital, that I don’t think most of us would like to inhabit, much less raise our children in.
And it goes beyond social media. Acting in a way that matches our values, morals and basic norms of decency is important because humans are prone to mistakes when passions overtake judgment.
If I judge someone unworthy of courtesy and respect, if I use my own opinion or feelings as an excuse to ignore basic decency, I may damage another person. And I will almost certainly damage myself. At a minimum, I will stunt growth, and cut myself off from relationships and experiences that might expand and enrich my life. That is not something I want for my children.
Yes, many politicians and other public figures lack integrity, restraint and respect. It’s tempting to stoop to their level. But we shouldn’t let their lack of moral consistency corrode our own.
The answer is simple and difficult: It requires practising what we preach, and modelling what we want others to do, consistently, without exceptions for ourselves or those we find ideologically sympathetic.
And hopefully our children will at least see that we are trying, and that it’s worth an effort.