ASK ELLIE
My wife of 16 years recently reconnected with an “old” friend who was widowed several years ago.
He’s a very successful businessman, nearly 20 years her senior.
She recently flew alone to another city to surprise him at an “event” he hosted. She was gone for three days.
Now whenever he flies into our city, she meets him for dinner (I’m not invited).
My wife’s just told me that he’s invited her to a wedding as his date later this summer in cottage country and she’s gladly accepted. Another weekend with this guy alone.
She assures me it’s only a “friendship” and she’d get her own room. She says I have “nothing to worry about… that I’m being a big baby.”
I’m uncomfortable with their renewed relationship, now texting and talking on a regular basis.
I don’t think she’d cheat on me. Uninvited Husband
Even if you trust her completely, the optics of your own image are disrespectful to you, and she should know that.
You’re not being “a baby,” rather a loving, concerned, and hurt husband.
She’s enjoying the attention of a man who exudes power from his position and wealth, and who makes the get-togethers seem natural to their old friendship, due to his loss.
All understandable, except that she’s dismissing how uncomfortable you are and how it appears to others.
He’s using her as a companion/ date with no consideration that she has a husband. It appears there’s been no effort to even meet you.
Unless he’d communicated with you (and thanked you) and your feelings about this matter to her, it’s demeaning — even if there’s no cheating involved.
My boyfriend of a few months has a brother whose wife suffers from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) whose details are unknown by his family.
She formerly used alcohol for comfort and was very bubbly and fun loving, then.
A year later, they had a child with whom neither her family nor his were permitted much contact for five years.
His brother’s wife went into complete isolation.
She’s now allowing the family to spend small amounts of time with the child (who was diagnosed this year with autism and anxiety problems).
But there are endless rules, e.g. don’t use a cell phone in her presence, period. I wanted to give the child a colouring set, markers, and a booklet as a nice surprise.
I was told the mother would have to be convinced by a grandparent beforehand, as she doesn’t allow the child to be given gifts.
I only met this mother briefly as they won’t attend any family gatherings.
I’m at a loss for how to proceed. I really feel for his family. His brother is very meek; he goes along with whatever the wife wants to not make waves. How to Handle?
This isn’t about you. The best gift you can give this child is gentle friendliness and compassion.
The same applies to her mother. She has her own story, with a diagnosis to back it up.
The rest of the family not only needs to accept this, but also learn about PTSD, which is generally caused by very stressful, frightening, or distressing events.
She isn’t behaving out of meanness to the family.
Rather, she’s responding to a difficult set of symptoms related to her past trauma, e.g. extreme anxiety, nightmares and flashbacks.
It’s also not uncommon for sufferers to experience feelings of isolation. Hopefully, she’s been receiving some counselling.
You can become a great aid to your boyfriend and his family by understanding the conditions the mother and child face.