Ring Road rage boils over for muttering motorist.
This column, like far too many previous submissions of this ilk, is affectionately dedicated to my late, great spaniel-terrier, Peeve (1984-91).
Peeve had four, perhaps five, active brain cells and a penchant for slobbering. I suspect he was a Republican.
Without further preamble, here is my latest treasury of pet peeves — things that are really, really, REALLY buggin’ me ...
• The Ring Road. For starters, there has to be a better name than “Ring Road.” Moreover, how is it that many people who navigate the Ring Road have absolutely no comprehension of the speed limit or driving etiquette. Breaking news: The posted speed limit is 100 kmh. Yet, many motorists obliviously cruise along at 70 or 80. Worse yet, several of these people end up in the left-hand lane. It is infuriating and I will explode at any moment.
• The continuing inability to remember where I parked my car. Does this happen to anyone else? The worst episode to date was at the Southland Mall. After taking the south exit, near the theatres, I looked all over for my roadster. For 10 minutes, I was pacing and furiously pressing the key fob, attempting in vain to activate the horn. Then it hit me: I parked on the north side of the mall. So, of course, once I got to the north side, I couldn’t remember where I parked my car. I am so ashamed.
• Stores that are open from, say, “10 a.m. to closing.” When, exactly, is “closing”?
• Transcribing interviews.
• Air guitarists. If you want to play the guitar, purchase an actual instrument and take lessons.
• People who are only friendly when they want something.
• Summer hockey. Give the kids a break!
• Vacant baseball diamonds in July and August.
• People who use the term “reaggravated.” Just use “aggravated.”
• The notion of “a brief intermission.” The so-called “brief” intermissions are unfailingly interminable. See also: “We’ll be right back.” In terms of geologic time, maybe.
• People who talk during musical performances.
• Long-winded masters of ceremonies. Typically, their jokes are even worse than mine.
• People who don’t laugh at my jokes. Did you hear the one about ...?
• Quance Street. Honestly, I would rather ingest a cactus salad than drive on Quance Street — or anywhere in that region.
• CNN. I remember when the Cable News Network used to deal with a multitude of topics. Now it is just Trump, Trump, Trump. CNN employees first-rate people, such as Anderson Cooper, Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo and Jake Tapper, but the myopic coverage is lamentable.
• The hitch screen.
• Handoffs from the shotgun formation.
• People who leave voice-mail messages — often demanding that a call be returned — without including a phone number. It happens all the time. (My office phone does not have call display. Leave a number! I promise to call back.)
• Jerks who treat retail or restaurant employees like garbage. This boorish behaviour is often exhibited by people who are in the company of children. What kind of example is being set?
• References to an athlete setting a “new record.” The “new” is not required.
• References to someone with “a smile on his/her face.” As opposed to a smile somewhere else? The “on his face” or “on her face” is not necessary.
• Football players who celebrate touchdowns, or even first downs, while their team is trailing by a considerable margin.
• Six-yard passes on secondand-10.
• Handoffs from the shotgun formation.
• Short-yardage plays from the shotgun formation.
• The shotgun formation. If Ron Lancaster didn’t need it, nobody needs it.
• The hitch screen — the most boring play in football, next to the sixyard pass on second-and-10.
• Anyone who throws a cigarette butt out a car window.
• Smoking.
• The fact that dogs cannot live until, say, 60 or 70. Make it 80.
• Torontonians’ general indifference toward the Argos and the CFL. There is far more interest in the hopeless Blue Jays, for some reason.
• Derisive references to “the media” and people who paint all reporters with the same brush. There are hacks, to be certain, but the vast majority of reporters I know are passionate about fairness and accracy ... er, accuracy.