Don’t share marital woes with your kids

I love my husband of 35 years, but more recently our relationship has changed, negatively.

He’s long been addicted to marijuana and smoking-up comes first in his life, several times daily.

He doesn’t admit to addiction and tells me to shut up about it.

But now I’ve caught scabies from him for the third time in two years.

He started the rash a week before me and I told him to get treatment. He refused to accept that it’s scabies again.

I kept distant until we shared a bed at a friend’s cottage. Next morning, I had scabies.

After a doctor confirmed it, I thought he’d admit where he picked them up (it’s most commonly caught from intimate contact and goes away with scabies treatment).

But he insists that he got the rash from the garden and has never been unfaithful. I’m very sad that I don’t believe him.

I’ve opened up to my daughter, but feel guilty burdening her. She’s been a great support to me, but am I being selfish sharing this issue with her? Itchy and Upset

Sleep separately for a while. Unburden your daughter by saying no more.

This is TMI for her to handle, since it’s between her father and you … and he may not have had extramarital sex.

Scabies is a highly contagious skin invasion by mites. The most common symptoms are severe itchiness, rashes and blisters, and spreads through physical contact.

You can catch it by being near someone who’s infected – e.g. through sexual relations.

But it’s also passed by being among infected kids in a daycare, on public transportation, in a hospital, and doctors’ waiting rooms, gym locker rooms, clothing store fitting rooms, on beaches and sunbeds, from doorknobs, and using public computers. Though you’re fixated on his possibly having sex elsewhere, also suggest that he washes his hands after any of the above contact-related situations.

Since you still feel love for him, it’s time to tell yourself – and him, too – that there are things you now don’t like about him: His addiction, his denial of it, and his dismissal of your concern for him.

If nothing changes, you’ll likely grow further apart.

After 35 years, that’d be a shame for both of you.

Several years ago, my brother left his job to go on long-term disability. He blamed his manager for bullying.

He tried to convince everyone that the company and union were stacked against him.

He’s grown increasingly agitated and suspicious of almost everyone, particularly his relatives.

He writes us long, angry letters filled with wild, unfounded theories about how we’re conspiring against him.

Despite helping him out greatly in the past year, he recently cut ties with me in an email that even hinted at physical violence.

He seems unable to see that HE is the abusive one.

He’s cut ties with all family and calls his doctors and psychologist incompetent. He reacts with rage if anyone even mentions mental health issues.

How can we get him the help he needs? Brother Needs Help!

He surely needs help, but so do you in response. This double-barreled dilemma is too huge a responsibility to stay distant from, and too hard to handle without professional guidance for you.

Take the time and effort to explore what’s available in/near your community, regarding mental health assessment, anger management, depression, and paranoia.

While you can’t force him into treatment, it’s dangerous to ignore him until something drastic occurs. See a mental health specialist separate from his to avoid confidentiality restrictions.