ASK ELLIE
QMy husband of 25 years has brain cancer. He’s a wonderful man and an amazing father. He has a positive attitude and outlook. He experiences daily seizures and can become easily agitated and frustrated, but we’ve developed coping skills to avoid any real escalations. However, he’s dying, and I can’t imagine a life without him in it. Our two children, aged 12 and 14, know how ill he is and our family bond is strong. We spend hours playing board games, cards, working on homework and just being a family. I’m the sole and primary caregiver, plus the mom. My husband finds it difficult if I’m not close by. But I’m tired, physically and emotionally. My in-laws can’t acknowledge how sick their son is and only pop by for brief visits. My husband’s been clear with me and our doctor that he isn’t interested in a personal support worker (PSW). He’s a proud man, but needs help with basic hygiene, etc. I need a break but haven’t a clue how to get one. I want what’s best for my family.
— Seeking Ideas
AIt’s understandable that you’re the most trusted person and source of comfort in your husband’s life at this difficult time. It’s equally understandable that the current responsibilities and emotions are exhausting for you. You absolutely need a periodic break, period! It’s not just to refresh your energies, but for his sake, too, so you can keep up the demanding tasks and reinforce his positive outlook with your own healthy one. A quick online search will introduce you to how to get respite care in your area. Having a trained PSW in your home for, say, four hours a couple of days a week, is not the intrusive presence your husband may be fearing. You could be there the first couple of times — making everyone comfortable with the person as well as the concept. Then you could use that time for going for a walk, getting out with a friend, or just resting “off duty,” knowing he’s safe. That’s when you could urge his parents to drop in briefly so you can assure him he’s got close people on watch during the brief time you’re not by his side.