ASK ELLIE
Q My husband’s 30, I’m 31, and we have three children. He’s always thinking about what his past ex-girlfriends did wrong to him. He thinks I’m going to do the same thing. But we have a baby who’s had major surgery to worry about. I know we’ve both stressed each other out, but he doesn’t have trust issues with anyone but me. I love him and know he loves me. I just wish his past didn’t affect our relationship. Wrongly Accused
A Since trust is the issue, and he was cheated upon, his past is about him, not you. Tell him that the way you’re devoted to your children is how you feel about him — you’d never leave them, and you’ll never abandon him. If he keeps accusing you, he needs to talk to a counsellor about his own demons.
Q Years ago, while we lived in another city, my husband’s siblings and mom lived with us for two years — the worst time of my life. I battled depression until my husband’s job moved to another small town several hours away. The distance helped with handling my relationship with the in-laws. Now, one of the sisters and her family has moved in across the street. They have no boundaries and I’m unsure how to enforce any with them. Meanwhile, I work full-time, am enrolled in a challenging graduate program part-time, and trying to stay on top of my kids’ needs. I also worry about them being too strong an influence on my kids (they’re homophobic, fatshame others, etc ...). My husband is happy that they’re close by, but I’d rather divorce him than re-live those years again. He insists that since they’re in a separate house, it’ll be different. I’m even thinking of moving, but we love our neighbours. Invasive In-laws
A Instead of extreme reactions like divorce and/or leaving a place you love, look to solutions that change the situation rather than uproot you. You’re not incapable of setting boundaries, just do it. Look at your own, your husband’s, and your kids’ schedules and then decide what you can handle as an occasional get-together with this family (for your husband’s sake). Maybe Sunday lunch, or every other Saturday afternoon, etc ... Then be clear, as in, “This is when we can be together. Otherwise, we’re busy with our own schedule.” If you hear homophobic or other negative remarks, interrupt and say that your family doesn’t think that way. Also, discuss privately with your children what your own views are on bigotry, shaming, etc. and insist that those comments are not acceptable from them or anyone in your home. I appreciate that you had a difficult period of too-much-togetherness when his family lived with you. That was then. You’re wiser, very busy, and know what you cannot handle. So, speak up instead of running away. Your husband has the right/need to have some time with family, but it can be controlled in a practical way.