GREY CUP CRYSTAL BALL
Vanstone predicts Mitchell, Calgary will prevail
First off, please be assured that despite a $600-million media bailout furnished by the federal government, the integrity of this ( burp) column will not be compromised.
To all of you who are concerned that words appearing in this space, or in this newspaper, will be influenced by a benefactor known as the Liberal Party of Canada (www.liberal.ca), I can only say this: Just watch me.
If you detect even a scintilla of bias — or the slightest politicization of a sports column — you are urged to contact my superiors c/o 24 Sussex Dr.
Now that we have arrived at an accord, it’s best we handle some Grey Cup-related housekeeping before moving on to non-political football.
Any references by Calgary Stampeders head coach Dave Dickenson to “the (bleeping) Canadian mafia” will be amended to ensure that “fuddle duddle” becomes part of the official record.
Sonny Wade, a three-time Grey Cup most valuable player with the Montreal Alouettes in the 1970s, must now be referred to as Sunny Ways.
Accredited photographers will be forbidden from disseminating images from Sunday’s Grey Cup game unless they are selfies.
“Herb Gray Cup” is also an acceptable name for the CFL’S most-coveted trophy.
Full, unfettered editorial independence will be granted to any commentator on the condition that OTTAWA is the projected winner of Sunday’s game against a team from a province that is governed by the failing NDP.
Effective immediately, the
East Division champions will be known as the Ottawa Redbooks.
Should the Redbooks unfathomably lose to Calgary on Sunday, all game-related reportage should include this quote: “Who cares about winning ? We should focus on serving.” (Note mandatory attribution to J. Trudeau.)
All accredited reporters at the 106th Grey Cup must specify that each member of the winning team will receive $16,000 in true dough. The loser’s share will go to the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada.
Any frosty beverage consumed by beer-guzzling Redbooks offensive lineman Jon Gott must be referred to generically as “good ale.”
Any mention of special-teams blocking schemes should note that our Prime Minister is also vitally concerned about “wedge issues.”
All media members who incessantly complain about league-related issues will be assessed a carpin’ tax.
Under no circumstances should an offence be defined as “conservative.”
“Trudeau” (Justin) “Rhymes” (Dominique) with “Pruneau” (Antoine).
To ensure that reporting is fair and balanced, any mention of Redbooks offensive lineman
The strong suspicion here is that two years of frustration will be washed awayon Sunday.
Sirvincent Rogers must be accompanied with an affectionate tribute to Sir Wilfrid Laurier.
All references to a player’s “grit” will be approved, via the fast track, by censors ... er, editors.
Are we cleared ... er, clear? Good. As for the game ...
Some observers may expect a liberal amount of offence on the part of the Redblacks, considering the presence of the Electrifying Trevor Harris.
Harris threw six touchdown passes, a CFL playoff record, on Sunday as Ottawa (sorry, OTTAWA) defeated the visiting Hamilton Tiger-cats 46-27 in the East Division final.
Harris is eminently capable of having one of those days in which he is virtually unerring.
However, the Stampeders’ defence occupies another tier — an upper chamber, as it were.
Calgary allowed a league-low 363 points during the regular season before playing host to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the West Division final.
The Stampeders then held the Blue Bombers, whose 550 regularseason points were a league high, without a touchdown.
It has thus been demonstrated that Calgary is eminently capable of disarming a high-powered offence.
Another factor in the Stampeders’ favour is the presence of quarterback Bo Levi Mitchell, who on Thursday became a second-time winner of the CFL’S most outstanding player award.
Mitchell is about to play in his fourth Grey Cup in a span of five seasons. He was crowned a champion in 2014, only to endure heartbreaking defeats in 2016 and 2017.
The strong suspicion here is that two years of frustration will be washed away on Sunday.
Editorially independent Grey Cup prediction: Calgary Stampeders 25, Ottawa Redblacks 21.
I have nailed this one. Of that, there is no doubt. A Stampeders VICTORY is imminent.
Scheer brilliance!
(THIS JUST IN/JUSTIN FROM PARLIAMENT HILL: Mr. Vanstone’s column has been discontinued until Monday.)