Long-distance bonding with grandkids can work
Long-distance grandparenting is a relatively new — and challenging — phenomenon. When grandchildren move far away, most grandparents still want to be part of their lives.
Sara Moorman and Jeffrey Stokes at Boston College studied longitudinal data of 300 families and found that a close and positive relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren had a measurable effect on the well-being of both groups.
Julia Griggs and colleagues at Oxford University asked more than 1,500 adolescents to complete a structured questionnaire about their families.
Those who enjoyed higher levels of grandparental involvement had fewer emotional and behavioural problems and higher levels of pro-social behaviour.
Adolescents living in single-parent families and stepfamilies benefited most.
Furthermore, losing contact comes with costs. Linda Drew and Peter Smith at Goldsmith’s College asked more than 80 grandparents who had been separated from their grandchildren through divorce and/or moving away about their feelings and general health.
Seventy-eight per cent said their well-being had been affected by the loss of contact, citing depression, anxiety, insomnia, social withdrawal and physical problems.
If you’re living apart from younger relatives, what can you do to remain a positive force in their lives?
Learn to feel comfortable with modern technology. If you communicate in ways your grandchildren are familiar with, they’re more likely to respond.
Furthermore, video contact such as Skype or Facetime can make you feel almost as if you’re in the same room. Schedule regular video time and always schedule the next one before you log off.
Use snail mail. They’re more likely to respond to the familiar, but at the same time, they’re more likely to notice the unusual. Send something tangible regularly: letters, photos, small gifts, perhaps favourite foods you enjoy when actually together.
Create traditions. If there’s a particular phrase that makes them laugh or a joke you share, bring it up appropriately.
If you remember Christmas or birthdays in a particular way, keep doing so.
Respect their schedules. Fitting in with their timetables means they’ll be more alert and keen to communicate.
Build bridges. Tell them stories about their parents when they were young. This builds connections.
Finally, and most importantly: listen more than tell. You know them well and have watched them grow, but you don’t directly set the rules and boundaries.
This makes you the perfect person for them to open up to, to share their worries and dreams. Listen patiently and kindly and try to understand without judging.
If you’re available in these ways regularly, yours will be lucky grandchildren.