ASK ELLIE

Apologizing can be a good start, but an actual in-person twoway conversation about what’s caused the situation is also needed

Q My mother-in-law’s a wonderful woman, very kind, brave, compassionate, smart, incredibly giving and helpful. My sister-in-law has mostly been quite nice to my family and me. Unfortunately, she’s gained more than 100 pounds over 20 years. Instead of admitting her weight problem and actively taking better care of her health and wellness, she considers it a sickness, takes many medications, and blames “stupid” doctors. She chooses a very poor diet and moves less and less. Now, she’s decided to retire this spring, in her early 50s. She blames her company for penalizing her for retiring early, though they’ve made great efforts to accommodate her. She’s also decided to move back to her mother’s home (my mother-in-law) to be looked after. She says she can’t afford to support herself and has no other choice, though she’s held a well-paying job for many years. My MIL is almost 80. She’s spent many years looking after other people (as a nurse, fulltime mother of four kids, and 24/7 caregiver to my fatherin-law, for two years before he died). My SIL expects her mother’s round-the-clock care, instead of taking charge of her own health. I’m concerned that she’ll drain what little energy and vitality my MIL has left. I think my SIL’S plans are lazy, selfish, and unfair. I’ve asked my husband to call his mother immediately. Is there anything we can do to stop my SIL from destroying her mother’s life? Worried Daughter-in-law A Your letter indicates great compassion for your motherin-law but pretty much none for your sister-in-law. You see her 100-pound weight gain as a self-indulgent act, rather than the more likely result of many possible factors (depression? unhappy relationships? a physiological imbalance?). Given this view of her, it’d be wiser to back off and let her brother discuss this possible move with his mother and try to plan for the best arrangements both for caregiving and costs. (The finances should not be the main concern here). So, for example, your husband should insist that there be an arrangement for a regular weekly cleaner due to the added occupant who apparently has little energy. Also, if needed medically, hire a visiting weekly caregiver (if so, there are agencies that supply these services, sometimes at costs geared to income which should be based on the SIL’S savings if possible). With your husband then involved, he can encourage his sister to see a specialist in unusually large weight gains (Note: overeating can be driven by biological factors like genetics and hormones) and seek an accurate diagnosis that just may, in her early-50s, give her a truly new lease on life.