Imagine unwinding with Santa at North Pole
If millions can say Trump won election, it's just as easy to believe Saint Nick is real
As one of the top two journalists in my household, this grizzled gargoyle of the media merited yet another audience with a jolly ol' soul who, more than anyone, personifies Christmas.
Accordingly, I was gifted a ( gulp) one-way ticket to the North Pole via the region's official carrier, Frigid Air. The pilot, Captain Crunch, apprehensively met me on the tarmac in Regina, having just purchased a life-insurance policy, and we soon ascended to a cruising altitude of 38,000 … no, 1,600 … uh, make that 16,000 feet.
Eventually, the goggled aviator spotted a dimly lit, snow-swept runway, extinguished his cigarette, landed, shooed me off the aircraft, burped, and once again hit the friendly skies. Destination: Parts unknown.
Near the luggage carousel, I spotted an elf carrying a sign: “ROD VANSOTNE.” My keen instincts kicked in and, within minutes, I concluded that the dutiful little functionary had been dispatched to pick up yours truly and shuttle him to Santa's headquarters — just in time to corner him for the annual, fictitious post-christmas interview.
Santa Claus: Hold on. Why are you calling this “fictitious?”
Vansotne (oops!): Well, you know, some people say that you aren't …
Santa: I have had it up to here (points to the top of the Earth) with the corrupt media! Fake News! You are another enemy of the people (trademark registered). I'm sick of hearing people intimate that I am merely part of a fable. Who do you see standing before you? If millions of people can believe in Fox News, and in the assertion that the U.S. presidential election was rigged, they can certainly believe in me, can't they?
Vanstone (nailed it!): You are sounding, if I may be so bold, a lot like Donald Trump.
Santa: Well, I did name one of my reindeer after Rudolph Giuliani … and I did take a break from delivering presents to go golfing.
Vanstone: What, may I ask, did you give the outgoing president for Christmas?
Santa: That was a challenge, Ron. I attempted to descend down his chimney, but that was futile. It turns out that he was using the fireplace to burn all his financial records and presidential papers. Thank goodness for curbside delivery.
Vanstone: What did you end up leaving on the curb?
Santa: A gift card from Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
But that was only the start of it! He came bursting out the front door, ranting and raving. He was particularly perturbed about the Twelve Days of Christmas, going so far as to demand a recount. He was irked about the reference to “three French hens” because of his uneasy relations with French president Emmanuel Macron. And “two turtle doves?” Trump took issue with that reference because he prefers “hawks.” Doves are “very weak people!” Then he really came unglued, calling me “a hoax.” I got him back, though.
Vanstone: How so?
Santa: I thoughtfully presented him with a customized 2021 Donald J. Trump Presidential Daytimer. It stops, abruptly, at Jan. 20.
Vanstone: How did Christmas 2020 go overall?
Santa: We had a rough start, Roy. The reindeer were really restless. Rudolph's hair dye was leaking, which didn't help matters. But,
eventually, we loaded up all the presents and the sleigh was rigged. Rigged, I tell you! It was tough taking off, though, because we had so many bags and bags and bags of presents for nice little boys and girls all around the world. Come to think of it, this is the first year in recent memory that I've had more sacks than Charleston Hughes.
Vanstone: Speaking of the Saskatchewan Roughriders, what
kind of joy did you spread around their offices during this pandemic-plagued year?
Santa: It was a strange, strange experience, Ross. I visited Mosaic Stadium — normally a hub of activity — and not a creature was stirring, not even a gopher. It was so quiet that you could hear the lingering echo of a football hitting a crossbar. But when I arrived, what did I see? Cody Fajardo had left a present — strictly for me. It's the only present I received my whole trip, but it still felt to me as if I had received at least a quarter back of what I had given. Honestly, who does that? He is the nicest young man! In fact, he is so nice that I'm not going to make a Thirteen Days of Christmas joke. Fajard-ho ho ho!
Vanstone: Across the Canadian sporting spectrum, few teams have a wider or more devoted following than the Roughriders — an exception being the Toronto Maple Leafs. What nice things did you do for Leafs fans?
Santa: I contacted Calendar Club and placed a bulk order for the year 1967. And, all Leafs fans of legal age will be able to enjoy free drinks on me, with the stipulation that the recipients will have to leave the bar after the first round.
Vanstone: I must say that, after all these years, your stamina is remarkable.
Santa: Why, thank you. I may be 1,749 years old, but people tell me that I don't look a day over 1,738. As far as I can tell, I'm the only person who has been around longer than Joe Biden.
Vanstone: While we are on the topic of politicians, what about our Canadian leaders?
Santa: I tend to sympathize with your prime minister, Justin Trudeau. I, too, had to deal with a “wee” scandal after one of our tiny elves was investigated. Anyway, I gave some money to Justin for Christmas, and also issued a payment to Margaret Trudeau.
Vanstone: Were Saskatchewan's politicians on your gift list?
Santa: But of course! I bought Premier Scott Moe a Houston Pizza gift card so that true dough can bring him satisfaction for a change. NDP Leader Ryan Meili has been given an exclusive shopping spree at Castle Furniture because he really could use more seats. I also had a special gift for your former premier, Brad Wall, who I believe is a staunch NFL fan. Recognizing his love of the Raiders, I have given him some free air miles so that he can attend a home game in Oakland … no, Los Angeles … no, Oakland, right? … no, Las Vegas. Considering all these changes of location, the Raiders would clearly benefit from a Global Transportation Hub. And so would you, because it is time to go. It has been a long haul these past few hours, and I only have 364 days in which to rest before it's back to work. Tough life, this.
Vanstone: Just one more question, if I may.
Santa: Yes?
Vanstone: Which way to the airport?
Santa: Not a worry! Would you like me to call you a cab?
Vanstone (beams): Sure!
Santa: You're a cab! (Door slams.)