Mexico vs. Brazil: A play-by-fake-injury-by-play account
In the spirit of the Word Cup, I committed to watch, from start to finish, for the first time ever, a televised game of soccer.
Too bad if there was something better on another channel. Soccer is only the most popular game in the world. Now I would see what I, along with millions of other Canadians, have been missing.
The game featured two of the tournament’s better teams, Mexico versus the tournament host, Brazil. Mexico was on a roll while Brazil was burdened by the sky-high expectations of its demented fans. Here is my game diary:
00:00 — Brazil’s team en- ters the stadium in solemn single file, with each player’s right hand on the right shoulder of his comrade in front. I had seen an entrance like this before, but it took me a while to remember who it was: The Blind Boys of Alabama.
The anthems seem interminable. A country where I called the shots would have the shortest anthem in the world: “President Les, Yes, yes, yes!” Now get on with the game.
00:58 — It is a full 58 seconds after the kickoff before a Brazilian player fakes what looks like a career-ending injury. Writhing on the ground like a run-over snake, he seems to require an ambulance, a team of orthopedic surgeons standing by at the hospital and perhaps months of arduous rehabilitation before he walks again, never mind playing soccer. Instead, when the referee ignores his piteous performance, he pops back onto his feet and plays on without even a limp or a grimace.
If I were a World Cup referee, I would not blow my whistle unless I saw the exposed, jagged end of a broken bone.
05:16 — The game clock in soccer, I am reminded, never stops. When are we supposed to get a beer?
09:22 — A Brazilian goal is disallowed due to an offside. The offside rule in soccer is a little different from what we’re used to in hockey or North American football. In soccer, the rule is that, if someone gets a clear scoring chance, he probably was offside.
09:45 — Now a Mexican player, after minor contact, is faking a ruptured spleen. The replay shows he was barely touched. Give him the brown card, I say.
22:16 — These guys really are magicians with the ball. Especially impressive to me is the way they receive and perfectly control a long, hard pass. Too bad that pass often is directed backwards.
35:19 — A Mexican player goes down, apparently with a broken femur. Thank goodness he still is able, 10 seconds later, to play soccer.
39:16 — A Brazilian now is down, knifed in the guts, from all indications. No, wait. He’s up, and perfectly fine.
45:00 — The score remains nil-nil as the half draws to a close. Both sides have had a couple of legitimate scoring opportunities, tightly rationed over 45 minutes of play.
46:00 — We are a minute into the first half, with no fake injuries. Booo!
46:12 — A Mexican midfielder collapses. The replay shows an opponent accidentally stepped on his foot. For once, the alleged victim isn’t faking. Out of sheer habit, perhaps, he is able to play on as if nothing happened.
56:09 — The Mexicans get a couple of chances, but their shots are from too far out. Still, they are shots. The chance of a goal cannot be entirely ruled out.
58:11 — Soccer supposedly is a non-contact sport, but I notice it can get a little rough in front of the net. I would compare it to the jostling around the beer concession at a Rider game.
59:22 — A Mexican gets a yellow card for tripping an opponent. Brazil gets a penalty kick from within scoring range. It goes wide by a metre. Has anyone in FIFA thought about bigger nets?
65:12 — Still no score. I watch on.
69:18 — Brazil has a guy who looks a little like celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain.
70: 00 — Mexico’s goalkeeper makes a terrific, diving save on a dangerous shot that, somehow, was not off side. This could clinch star of the game for him.
72:00 — Brazil is pressing now. The Mexicans can’t clear the ball from their own end. The game is getting interesting, 72 minutes in.
79:38 — Mexico gets a free kick. This is the game’s big moment, the announcer proclaims. The shot, however, bounces harmlessly off a human wall of defenders strategically placed between the shooter and the goal. This is allowed, apparently. I am beginning to suspect that soccer culture doesn’t like scoring.
90:00 — The game ends with no score. Players on both sides seem happy, if not thrilled. The crowd seems happy.
Everyone is happy. Maybe that’s why they call it the beautiful game.