Sister needs support, not gripes about her husband

The following column was originally published in 2005.

Dear Annie: My sister, “Shania,” has been married for six years to “Al” (a second marriage for both, no children). During the entire duration of their marriage, Shania has complained about the lack of affection and sex.

Recently, Shania was diagnosed with a serious back problem that required three operations. As a result, she is permanently restricted, which is difficult for her, because she always has been a very active person.

Due to the medication she takes, our entire family is concerned about Shania’s decisionmaking abilities, and we also are concerned that Al is taking advantage of the situation.

When they married, Al had some financial troubles, but Shania was financially well-off and paid for the wedding. After that, Al struggled at the company where he worked and Shania helped him start his own business. Since then, Al has purchased expensive cars, computers, furniture and other electronic equipment for his company.

They have moved twice into homes that Al wanted. Recently, Al remodelled the family room to fit around a flat-screen TV with custom speakers.

Shania has no interest in any of this, but Al initially wanted a 30-foot boat (he has never sailed).

Shania reluctantly said no, and Al pouted so much that Shania didn’t object to the new family room, hoping it would appease him.

Al has been talking about moving again. Can we help Shania see that Al is just using her? — Frustrated in Chicago Dear Frustrated: It sounds as if Al and Shania have had this same dynamic for years, with or without medication.

It’s obvious that you do not like your brother-in-law, but Shania is not incompetent.

If she loves Al, in spite of his parasitical pecuniary habits, that is her choice.

What she really needs is your emotional support. If she decides to move, offer to help pack.

If she seems reluctant to give up her home, suggest that she talk to a counsellor about the strain she’s been under. Do not bad-mouth Al. It won’t help.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.