Forgiving wife needs a life of her own

Dear Annie: I have been with my husband for more than 25 years. During that period, he has cheated countless times, left me for other women and developed a crack habit. I have tried to stick it out because I believe marriage is for better or worse.

He won’t admit he has a problem. He hangs out with some shady individuals who knock on our door day and night. He cannot pay the bills because he spends the money on drugs. If I venture an opinion, he blows his top or leaves the house and stays out until the next morning. He constantly accuses me of cheating.

We share the same bed and try to be cordial to each other. But we are like roommates. I know it’s over. I have no money, no car and no job, so I do not see a way out of this. I have been trying to find affordable housing for my daughters and me, but it’s impossible without an income.

He won’t leave, and I have no place to go. How can I get over him while living together?

— Lost

Dear Lost: Many states have jobtraining programs for women in your position. Call the governor’s office or your state labour office and ask. Most states also now offer phone lines that can direct you to resources, including low-cost legal assistance. And please reach out to your family, church and local community centres for help.

Dear Annie: Please settle a disagreement. After 40 years of mental abuse, I finally ended the toxic relationship with my mother in order to keep my hard-won sobriety. Except when absolutely necessary, we have not spoken in more than 10 years.

The problem is what to say when someone asks, “How is your mother?” I reply honestly, “I don’t know. We don’t speak.” My husband says I should simply say, “She’s fine,” and leave it at that. But the one time I did, the woman exclaimed, “How can that be? She was in a car wreck yesterday!” leaving us both embarrassed. What is the best way to handle such inquiries?

— Better Off Without Mom

Dear Better Off: If you don’t mind telling people that you are not speaking to your mother, it’s fine to say so, as long as it doesn’t provoke a long-winded lecture. We recommend a slightly altered response: “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to her recently.” It’s honest, without giving too much information, which, we assume, is your husband’s main objection. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.