Sensitivity key in talking about gender identity

Dear Annie: We have two children and a 13-year-old grandson. Two years ago, our 48-year-old unmarried son told us that he has been diagnosed with gender identity disorder and considers himself to be female. This came as a surprise, but we decided to support her wholeheartedly, and we find her to be much happier than before.

Here is the problem: Our other son and his wife don’t want their teenage son to know because they are afraid it will have a negative effect on his development. This makes family gatherings impossible. We love both of our children and our grandson, but we are getting older and don’t know how long this impasse will last. How do we best explain transsexualism to a boy that age, and should we? The Parents

Dear Parents: Children are amazingly adaptable, and a typical boy of 13 who watches TV and sees movies likely already has a grasp on gender-identity issues. Having a relative who is transsexual is not going to make him change his gender. But we agree that these things should be explained sensitively, and the parents must be the ones to make that decision. Please contact PFLAG (pflag.org), which has a transgender network and can help you. Dear Annie: My best friend “Donna” has been happily married for 34 years. She and her husband eloped when she was 21, and they now have two grown sons and a 16-year-old daughter. Donna has mentioned more than once that she regrets not having had a wedding. So, when she announced that she was having a commitment ceremony for her 35th anniversary and asked me to participate, I was thrilled.

She plans to wear a long white dress with a full train and a waistlength veil, and she has invited 100 guests. She wants me to be her matron of honour.

I feel that this is something much more appropriate for a young firsttime bride. I fear she is making a ridiculous spectacle of herself. How do I tell her this? Renee

Dear Renee: As the matron of honour, you should offer to help Donna pick out her wedding dress. This will give you the opportunity to show your enthusiasm for something more appropriate. However, this is the wedding Donna dreamt of, and now she can afford it. If she is determined to go the whole nine yards (of material), we hope you will be a good sport. That’s what best friends do for each other. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.