40 years is long enough

Dear Annie: After more than 40 years of devotion to my husband, I have finally realized what a stonehearted jerk he is. I have done everything in my power to love, respect and encourage him. But I’ve fallen into a pattern of picking up the pieces of my heart and overlooking my own hurt to give him another chance and keep peace in our home.

All of this is “not important” to him, as he has told me numerous times. My marriage is terribly lonely. Year after year, his disregard for my feelings have chipped away at the love I once had. I have fought hard to stay in his life, and he tells me, “So what?” and “Leave if you want to.”

My pleadings fall on deaf ears, and he refuses to discuss it. I have raised our children and worked beside him and also outside the home. I have contributed as much as he has to build our life together. This is obviously not how I envisioned our retirement, but I have had enough and am finally ready to begin a new life without him. Where do I start?

— Beyond Sad

Dear Beyond: With counselling. Not necessarily to save your marriage, but to help you move forward in whatever direction helps you. After 40 years, there may be a great deal of grief for the loss of your relationship, fear of the unknown future, worry about finances and loneliness, as well as the need to forgive. You have a great many choices to make, and counselling will help you navigate. If you choose divorce, please also see a lawyer.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.