Dr. Big Deal — and don’t forget it

This column was originally published in 2012.

Dear Annie: My husband’s mother recently died, and his sister is very upset with him because he listed her in the death notice as “Miss Jane Doe” instead of “Dr. Jane Doe.” (His sister has a PhD) When my husband apologized, she said we’ve always been disrespectful of her title. Apparently, she is still upset that when she was in our bridal party, she was listed in the wedding program as “Miss Jane Doe.” I told her it never occurred to me that she would want to be listed any other way. After all, my brother, a lawyer, didn’t have a J.D. after his name. She was also angry that our invitation to our daughter’s christening said “Miss Jane Doe.” I was taught that for social invitations, one doesn’t use professional titles. Am I wrong?

My husband feels that our apology should suffice, but Jane is still angry. I hate that there is friction between them when they are grieving the death of their mother. What else can we do? — Frustrated Sister-in-Law

Dear Frustrated: Generally, one doesn’t use professional titles for social events, but the overriding etiquette rule is not to offend. Your sister-in-law wants her title used at all times, so please use it. Her mistake was allowing this to continue without registering her resentment the first time, which didn’t permit you to correct it. Please tell her again that you are sincerely sorry, that it was unintentional, and you promise to use her well-earned PhD from now on.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.