TOM CRUISE WANTS HIS MUMMY
Death is a mere inconvenience for our hero,
MOVIES Big release on June 9:
The Mummy
Big picture: Over the years, audiences have watched Tom Cruise’s vacant, megawatt smile battle many, many things: greed (show me the money!), missions impossible, infidelity, race cars, fighter pilots, aliens … couches. But he may have finally met his match in an ancient, undead Egyptian queen (Sofia Boutella). Things start to go bad for Cruise when said deadly mummy wakes up in her sarcophagus on his military transport plane; the pilots are quickly killed by a Biblical swarm of bats. But Maverick doesn’t take the helm; he goes down with the plane (only to rise from the dead to battle the planet’s new goddess). The mummy herself is more vamp or alien than bandaged bogeyman. Her look? Strange tattoos, enlarged pupils, long blue finger nails, pale skin, purple hair ... and cleavage. It would appear Cruise and company woke up the world’s oldest raver. Russell Crowe is even onhand to be her creepy sidekick, and one-man entourage.
Forecast: Cruise wants his Mummy, and his money (if the newly announced Top Gun sequel is any indication). It won’t be long before the epic crossover Top Gun: The Mummy; I’m looking forward to seeing Maverick sing You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling to an ancient monster.
TV
Big events: Orphan Black (June 10, Space); Orange is the New Black (Netflix, June 9)
Big picture: Orphan Black returns for its final season, anchored by Emmy-winning Canadian actress Tatiana Maslany. (I’m sure she’s looking forward to her next gig, in which she doesn’t play six main characters, and have to act with herself in almost every scene.) The Sisterhood of the Travelling Clones — they prefer Clone Club — face off against their makers, and wouldbe movers and shakers one last time. You say you want a Neolution? They all want to change the world.
Meanwhile, award-winning female prison dramedy, Orange Is the New Black, also returns this week. The ladies of Litchfield prison face a point of no return after the untimely death of one beloved (by fans) inmate. This prison is way behind riot. It’s all-out war.
Forecast: I know Tatiana needs a break, but I’d like to see a crossover spinoff called Orange Is the New Orphan Black, in which all the clones get sent to the same prison.
MUSIC
Big releases on June 9: Lady Antebellum (Heart Break); Nickelback (Feed The Machine); Katy Perry (Witness)
Big picture: Nickelback, the bestselling Alberta rock band all your semi-cool friends love to unabashedly hate, are back to Feed the Machine. Their unique talent is to simultaneously churn out hits, and sell millions of albums, while enraging another vocal segment of the population (e.g. hipsters, liberals, people with functioning eardrums). Meanwhile, after a self-imposed hiatus, Lady Antebellum reunites to take back the American country throne. Their weapon-of-choice: finely-crafted pop country songs.
Finally, Katy Perry spits out her bubble-gum pop, and aims to be taken a little more seriously on Witness. For starters, Nicki Minaj joins her on Swish Swish to trash their shared enemy Taylor Swift.
Perry also seems to have borrowed Miley Cyrus’s pixie hair stylist, wardrobe guru — and attitude. Maybe she and Miley are long-lost Orphan Black clones? Forecast: Pick your songs of summer; this week is sizzling.
On a side note: I’m fine with Miley clones, but don’t get any ideas, Nickelback. One of you is more than enough.