Only child owes nothing to her overbearing parents

This column was originally published in 2012.

Dear Annie: I am an only child who was reared by loving but extremely controlling parents. They tried to dictate my attire, my friends and my opinions. I moved away and married, but things have only deteriorated.

I considered moving home to help them, as they are getting older. My husband was skeptical. He’s seen me cry from the guilt trips my parents have put on me and has heard the bigoted remarks about my mixed-race children.

I found an online listing for a fixer-upper and asked my folks to see if it was worthwhile. When we drove to my hometown, I discovered my father was already working on the yard and dealing with a realtor. But the place was a wreck, and the backyard pool looked like the Loch Ness monster resided there. Repairs would cost at least $50,000. I knew this wasn’t the house for me. Meanwhile, my father pointed his finger in my face and dared me to back out of the deal he had arranged. And then he said, in front of my husband, that I should buy the house myself and let my husband and kids make their own way in the world.

That evening, my parents railed at me about my mixedrace children, saying they would never be allowed to visit. They told me I needed to dump my old friends so they could introduce me to better ones. My mom was busy trying to get me jobs I didn’t want and told me I was unappreciative of their efforts.

I decided I couldn’t live like this, and we left. My parents were furious and haven’t spoken to me in six months. I am miserable, and I know this is how they want me to feel. My question is: Do I still try to be the better person and send a Father’s Day gift? — Sad

Dear Sad: Your parents sound manipulative and difficult, and we’re impressed that you turned out so well-adjusted. You don’t owe your father a gift, but would it make you feel better to send something anyway? We suggest you handle future communications in whatever way gives you peace of mind. You have tried to please your parents and discovered that it is impossible. It’s OK to please yourself.

Dear Annie: I am 31 and a nevermarried single mother. Along with raising a happy five-yearold, I have a small business, and I attend school part time.

I’m tired of supposed wellmeaning friends implying that I should marry. They ask, “Do you want to die alone?” or “Don’t you want a father for your son?”

I answer them with humour, but I don’t appreciate the questions.

Please help your readers understand that it is OK not to be interested in marriage. Not everyone wants to share a bed or a bathroom or a bank account. Many of the married moms I know are unhappy, and quite a few end up raising their husbands as well as their kids.

Being single isn’t a mark of failure and doesn’t require an explanation. I understand the value society places on marriage, but what happened to the value of minding your own business? — Parent in the Northeast

Dear Northeast: Good luck with that. If the same friends keep making the same intrusive remarks, tell them politely, “I cannot imagine why you think this is your business.” It’s may be less gentle than you’d like, but it should put an end to the questions.