Wife won’t explain grudge against family

Dear Annie: I have been married for 24 years to my high school sweetheart, and we have two sons. For most of this time, I have put up with my wife not allowing any mention of my family or involvement whatsoever in any activities. I don’t know why this is so, and she won’t tell me. Although I can see my family on my own, I am not allowed to invite them to our home for a holiday, and my parents are permitted to see our kids only on rare occasion. Of course, when it’s about her family, she expects me to jump.

I know my father was less than perfect 30 years ago, but I have forgiven him, and he has righted his wrongs.

He is a good grandfather to my two boys. My mother and sisters have done nothing to deserve such poor treatment. But anytime I bring up the issue, my wife shuts down all communication for about a month.

My dad is remarried, and his new wife has two children my age, and I like them and want my wife to get to know them. They are good, wholesome people. But I’m not even permitted to mention their names. I once decided to simply bring them over to the house, but my wife’s behaviour was so rude and embarrassing that I won’t do that again. And then she didn’t speak to me for a month.

I want to spend time with my family, and I’d like my kids to know their grandparents, aunts and uncles. My oldest son recently graduated high school, and my wife wouldn’t allow him to have a graduation party because I insisted my family be invited. Please help.

Dear Stuck: Unless your family did something unforgivable to your wife, there is no excuse for her controlling behaviour. Since she refuses to explain her grudge, it’s impossible to determine whether it has merit, and you are apparently disinclined to tolerate the consequences of putting your foot down.

Ask your wife to come with you for counselling, and if (when) she refuses, please get some for yourself. Feel free to spend as much time with your family as you like, and take the kids along whenever possible. They can develop a relationship with their grandparents independent of their mother. If she objects, she should explain why.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.