Crimes of the Month: You have the right to remain amused
It’s time once again to check in on the vandals, fugitives and criminal masterminds operating in friendly, sun-drenched and somewhat desiccated Saskatchewan. (Official motto: “No grain bin is safe.”) Collectively, these evil geniuses remind upstanding citizens that obeying the law might just make life simpler.
FILE NUMBER 1505-144003: SIN BIN
The calm of a sunny summer day was shattered on July 30 with the shrill ringing of the phone at RCMP headquarters in Indian Head. A farmer was reporting damage to two of his steel grain bins.
According to the police press release, “It appears as though one of the bins was struck by a vehicle and the second bin was driven through completely by the same vehicle.” (Damage is estimated at $12,000 to $16,000, in case you city slickers were wondering what those things are worth).
The vehicle involved may have been a Chevy, police said — perhaps because a Ram would be too ironic. Incidentally, the bins had no grain in them at the time, which prevents Crimes of the Month from making jokes about a bumper crop.
OCCURRENCE NUMBER 17-79522: GPS? WHAT’S GPS?
Talk about grabbing a cab. Around 10:45 a.m. on July 31, two men helped themselves to a taxi that had been left unattended with the keys inside at the Saskatoon airport.
What the thieves seemed not to know is that the cab’s GPS unit was telling police exactly where it was going: first to the intersection of 33rd Street and Confederation Drive, then up Confederation Drive to Borden Place, then back down Confederation Drive to 33rd Street, where the fun ended and cops made an arrest.
No word on how much the fare was, but as investigations go, it was uber-easy. A 31-year-old man is facing theft and breach of probation charges.
We all have busy summer plans. Here’s what a 34-year-old man in Prince Albert was planning on July 28:
“Well, let me see. I’m unlawfully at large and I have no driver’s licence, so I better keep a low profile. I’ll get drunk and steal a car and drive it to Saskatoon with a stolen licence plate on it. Unfortunately for me, the car will be equipped with OnStar, which reports the theft and guides police to my exact location. But I’ve got places to go, so I’ll speed off when they try to pull me over and ditch the car while the cops send a dog after me. Cleverly, I’ll try to hide in a business but I’ll get caught by the guys working there, who will detain me until my inevitable arrest. Oh, did I mention I was carrying meth? Well, that was my day; how was yours?”
OCCURRENCE NUMBER: 17-77696: THAT SINKING FEELING
A citizen hears someone swimming in the river in the middle of the night north of the 25th Street Bridge. Authorities put a river rescue boat in the water to pick him up. The 25-year-old man becomes “combative.” And why not? There’s a Canada-wide warrant out for his arrest. He’s charged with assaulting a police officer and given a ticket for swimming in the river. Can’t a fugitive take a dip in this town?
OCCURRENCE NUMBER: 17-68693: WHO’D LOOK THERE?
When police nabbed three people in a stolen car on July 5, the culprits weren’t the only ones to blame. Sure, they were caught with meth and brass knuckles, which led to charges ranging from possession of a dangerous weapon to breach of probation. But, as the police noted, “The car was confirmed to have been stolen three days earlier, when the keys were left under the floor mat.”
Under the floor mat? Seriously? Like no one is ever going to find that excellent hiding place? Once again, Crimes of the Month reminds you to lock your car and take the key with you. What’s that? No, the top of the visor isn’t a good hiding place, either.
See you next month. Be careful out there.