Getting an enabler to take responsibility

Column originally published in 2012.

Dear Annie: What do you do with a sibling who has been enabled all of his life when mom is no longer around to provide for him?

My brother has had a house to live in, a car to drive, insurance, etc., for the past 25 years. He is an alcoholic and a drug user. He doesn’t work because he doesn’t want to. He has an all-expensespaid life.

When my mother dies, how do we settle the estate? If the house is given to my brother, he would lose it because he has no concept of paying bills. My sister thinks we should sell the place, give my brother his share and move on.

My mother is 82 years old and in poor health. She will be leaving us a huge mess when she passes, but she refuses to discuss it now.

Help Me Plan

Dear Help: Your mother doesn’t want to deal with this, so she’s hiding her head in the sand. And it’s difficult to make plans in advance if you don’t know whether your mother has a will that leaves the house to your brother, in which case, he is free to let it collapse into ruin.

You should consider all the possibilities, including how much responsibility you will take for your brother when the gravy train stops. Unless he gets help for his addictions, his behaviour is unlikely to change. Are you comfortable throwing him out of the house? You can’t force your mother to settle these questions, although please urge her to see a lawyer. Your best bet right now is to contact Al-Anon (al-anon. alateen.org) in order to deal with your brother.

Dear Annie: My wedding is only four months away. The place where we are holding the reception is not very large. I’m not a big fan of people bringing their kids to wedding receptions, especially little ones who run around tripping up the wait staff and getting under the guests’ feet while they are trying to dance. This happened at a wedding I attended last month. Kids also were running around blowing out the candles on the tables, screaming, crying and causing a fuss. Ugh! Annie, is there any way to invite the parents and hint to leave the little ones at home? I mean, wouldn’t they rather have a good time than chase their kids all night?

Patti in Oregon

Dear Patti: Invitations are intended only for the addressees, which means if the kids’ names (or “and family”) aren’t included on the envelope, the kids are not invited. You also can pass the word to friends and relatives that this is an adults-only event.

However, some people may not be able to attend if they can’t find a sitter. There will also be those who bring the kids regardless. If you anticipate that happening, we suggest hiring a babysitter or two to keep an eye on their behaviour. Also, have things to occupy the younger set (paper and crayons, puzzles, games, art projects, etc.) and kid-friendly food for them to eat. If your reception hall has another room, you could set up the children’s area there and perhaps include videos to keep them occupied. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.