Don’t give up on helping parents to change routine
Dear Annie: We are three daughters who need help. Our parents’ home seems unhappy and full of bitterness. Mom and dad have been married for 59 years, but mom doesn’t seem to enjoy life. Dad is not perfect, but we really don’t know their past personal stories and relationship. They seem to have led separate lives: Mom at home with six kids to raise, and dad working long hours at his business.
Since dad’s retirement, they have settled into a routine of doctor appointments and staying home. Dad no longer wants to do anything, because mom constantly tells him he doesn’t do things correctly and that he embarrasses her. Dad has no interest in going places due to his health issues, and mom doesn’t want him driving much or staying home alone.
The constant nagging has created an unhealthy environment. It is difficult to visit because we don’t like to see and hear them like this. We have sat down with them to discuss the situation and offered suggestions, but there has been neither change nor resolution. Counselling is not an option, as mom seems overly concerned with what others know about her or will think of her. Dad doesn’t seem to be concerned about anything.
We don’t want to become the kind of kids who stop seeing their parents. Any suggestions?
— The Girls
Dear Girls: When couples retire, they can fall into the trap of doing nothing and getting on each other’s nerves. Mom resents dad invading her domestic domain, and dad is depressed because his identity was tied up in his job. And if they have health issues, it can exacerbate the problem because getting out of the house can be problematic or exhausting. It’s a shame your parents won’t address their problems, particularly if they are depressed.
We recommend you find ways to get them out of the house, together or separately. Take them out for dinner. Invite mom to a play. Encourage dad to attend a ball game with you. Look into senior programs in their area, and perhaps offer to go with them until they become interested enough to go on their own and, hopefully, make friends. Please don’t give up on them. They need you.
Dear Annie: I’m 13 and live with my mom. She always overreacts when my room is not absolutely spotless, which leaves me wondering whether she has OCD. She doesn’t seem to care that the rest of the house is a mess. She seems to magnify the messiness of my room only.
When I confront her about this, she gets mad and sends me to my room. I think she wants me to be holed up in there so I’ll see how messy it is. But I don’t. Does she have OCD? How would I know? Help me.
— My Room Is Clean
Dear Room: If your mom is only concerned with the mess in your room, it’s probably not OCD. It’s more likely that your room is a little messy.
Mom sounds stressed. If you find yourself arguing with her a lot, please consider that the two of you may be pushing each other’s buttons more than you intend. Try talking to her when you are both calm. Explain that you don’t want to fight. Ask how to make things better. If it doesn’t help, please discuss it with your school counsellor. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.