Saskatoon StarPhoenix

Whatcha gonna do — it’s Crimes of the Month

From the files of city police, here’s a sample of August’s most (and least) notable crimes

- cfuller@postmedia.com CAM FULLER

Occurrence Number 17-77124: Locked and Loaded on Lorne

Crimes of the Month is of the opinion that bad people are driving around town every day and we don’t even know it. For instance, who would look twice at a car with three people in it on the 1500 block of Lorne Avenue at 1 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon? Well, the cops did, because they suspected the car was stolen. They no doubt grew even more suspicious when the driver took off at high speeds.

Like many fugitives caught up in the moment, the driver failed to consider he might be followed by the cop plane, a.k.a. the SPS Air Support Unit. He dropped off his two passengers near Range Road 3040. They cleverly — albeit briefly — hid in bushes. The driver continued all the way to Watrous, perhaps feeling the call of the healing waters of Lake Manitou. Alas, the RCMP got him before he floated away.

The three face about 40 of the best weapons offences: concealed, dangerous, unauthoriz­ed and prohibited.

Occurrence Number 17-81149: Rude Awakening, Part 1

The Sparks Notes version: Man parks truck and goes into a gas station. His partner continues sleeping in truck. Criminal gets into truck to steal it. Passenger wakes up and freaks out. Man returns to his truck and yanks the criminal out. Criminal cleverly — albeit briefly — retreats to a nearby backyard for his handcuff fitting.

Occurrence Number 17-85240: Car versus House

When you’re already facing charges and promise to behave yourself while out on bail or whatnot, here’s one thing you can do to avoid being incarcerat­ed: Don’t drive into a house.

Unfortunat­ely, a 58-year-old man forgot all that when a house jumped in front of him on the 800 block of Avenue L South. After hitting it, he drove around to the alley before fleeing to a less damaged house nearby.

He’s facing a charge of breach of undertakin­g for operating a motor vehicle and has been ticketed under the Traffic Safety Act.

Occurrence Number 17-85055: Girls’ Night Out

Four of them aged 14 to 16 are facing charges after a 2 a.m. joyride. They were in a stolen Ford Flex at Avenue W and 22nd Street when they broke a traffic law. An officer tried to stop them, but they took off for Avenue U (“U in trouble”) North and took off on foot. They cleverly, though briefly, hid beside a house.

Police note that the ignition key was located in the vehicle, suggesting all the girls had to do was press the start button.

They’re each charged with possession of stolen property over $5,000 and are forbidden from listening to the 1985 charttoppe­r Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves.

Occurrence Number 17-85224: C’est Pas Poutine

Two men and a woman from Quebec were tooling around in their black Volkswagen when the Saskatoon Integrated Drug Enforcemen­t Street Team stopped them and found 99 fentanyl pills, 1,900 grams of marijuana, 165 grams of crack cocaine and 261 grams of powdered cocaine.

This led to a search in the 300 block of Fifth Avenue, which turned up more than $8,000 in cash, 62 grams of cocaine, 11 grams of marijuana and several cellular telephones.

Many traffickin­g charges were laid.

Two men, ages 29 and 30, and a 24-year-old woman are not expected to be ordering brisket at Schwartz’s Deli for quite some time.

Occurrence Number 17-91691: Rude Awakening, Part 2

The Sparks Notes version: Police check out campfire on outskirts of town. Find man sleeping in nearby bushes. Upon wakening, man “becomes combative,” picks up “large stick” and threatens officers who eventually Taze him, bro.

He’s charged with assault.

Occurrence Number 17-85849: The National Hoodlum League

Thousands of dollars of sporting equipment was taken from a hockey arena on Grasswood Road.

A man, 30, and woman, 20, are charged. Their parents told them they should have goals in life, but this is not what they meant.

Occurrence Number N/A: Caw! Pieces of Eight! Caw!

No one is charged and no investigat­ion is ongoing in the strange case of the Earl’s parrot. The heavy plastic psittacine was de-perched from the restaurant’s roof and re-perched at the highest point of the Traffic Bridge.

The parrot pranksters had to have been planning this meticulous­ly — as opposed to, you know, winging it.

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