Time to take power over the shower

Dear Annie: I have been married for 20 years to the youngest of seven siblings. Whenever a niece or nephew has married or had children, the aunts (myself included) have given a shower. We don’t have children ourselves. The problem is, I’m never asked, I’m just told. I’m expected to make food, clean up and share expenses, but never given the opportunity to give any input. The few times I tried, I was ignored. I’m simply informed of how big of a cheque I need to write and what I need to cook.

How do I get the point across that I don’t want to be a hostess without offending the family?

— Unwilling in Nebraska

Dear Nebraska: Find a time when there are no upcoming events scheduled to talk to the sister-inlaw with whom you are closest. Explain that you appreciate being included as a regular hostess, but you cannot always manage it. Ask them sweetly to please consult you before assuming you will take on these responsibilities. (You may need to remind them more than once.)

Dear Annie: My older sister, “Susie,” is 33 and has been receiving financial support from my parents for more than a decade. They give her money outright and also pay her car insurance, health insurance and other bills. Susie doesn’t work. She’s in a master’s program, but it is unclear whether she will finish. My mother believes she needs to help Susie, as she has had mental-illness issues throughout her adulthood.

I am not upset that Susie is receiving money from my parents. It also doesn’t bother me that I am not likely to receive similar assistance. But I worry that my parents are giving Susie no reason to finish her degree or find a job. I consider it enabling.

On several occasions, Susie has maxed out her credit cards, and my mother paid those off. My parents don’t have the money to keep doing this. Is it appropriate to speak with them about it?

— A Sister Who Doesn’t Know What To Do

Dear Sister: We don’t know the extent of Susie’s “mentalillness issues” and whether she’s capable of holding down a job or finishing her degree. Your parents believe they need to help her until she can support herself, and that pursuing a master’s degree will allow her to find gainful employment. We hope they are right. While you do not get to decide how your parents spend their money, you can bring up this subject and ask whether they have made arrangements for Susie’s care after they are gone. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.