Movies that might have been
Chris Lackner lets his imagination mash up some sequels he’d like to see on screen.
MOVIES
Big release on Dec. 1: None (except for in my imagination)
Big picture: That’s right. There are no wide releases this week. I can only assume Disney employed Jedi mind tricks to clear a path for Star Wars: The Last Jedi, opening Dec. 15. With no big releases, I’ll turn to an exercise in wish fulfilment. After a year of generally woeful box office performances, what are the big releases I wish had opened in 2017?
Star Wars: Guardians of the ■ Galaxy, in which the venerable space franchise’s legendary wooden dialogue is spiced up with much sarcasm and exclamations of the word “Groot.” Plus, Rocket Raccoon finds out he’s a Sith Lord.
Justice League: Wonder Woman, ■ in which every character is cut except Gal Gadot’s, and it’s just a sequel to the vastly superior solo film about the Amazonian warrior-goddess from way back in June.
Spider-Man: Jumanji. Tired
■ of the endless rebirths of Spidey coming of age in New York? I say we send the webslinger into a magical game board. It’s a lot easier to sling between jungle trees than it is skyscrapers.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Skull ■
Island, in which King Kong finishes off Captain Jack Sparrow for good. And for good riddance, too.
Logan: Beauty and the Beast.
■
An enchanting love story about Belle falling in love with an angry, brooding, hairy mutant with claws. So, pretty much the same as before, really.
Forecast: The Force will be with the box office next month.
TV
Big events: 85th annual Christmas in Rockefeller Center Special (Wednesday, NBC); The Carol Burnett 50th Anniversary Special (Dec. 3, CBS); Dark (Dec. 1, Netflix)
Big picture: With the endless parade of scandals in the entertainment business, it’s a wonder there is anyone left to headline or produce holiday specials. But Rockefeller Center gets things rocking around the Christmas tree by welcoming the likes of Gwen Stefani and The Tenors. The Carol Burnett Show celebrates its 50th anniversary with a tribute special featuring the likes of Jim Carrey, Kristin Chenoweth and Stephen Colbert. Meanwhile, Netflix’s first German original series promises to fill the vacuum for Stranger Things Season 2 binge watchers. This 10-episode supernatural drama is about a town with — you guessed it — missing children.
Forecast: Given the legendary German Black Forest, and all those Grimm Brothers’ fables, one can only imagine what evils lurk in the Dark. Soon you won’t have to.
MUSIC
Big releases on Dec. 1: Neil Young & Promise of the Real (Visitor); U2 (Songs of Experience); Van Morrison (Versatile)
Big picture: Neil Young and Promise of the Real make for a rare thing — a welcome holiday Visitor. They last paired up in the studio for 2015’s The Monsanto Years. The single Already Great is a clear counter to Donald Trump’s Make America Great Again slogan. Good ol’ Shakey’s politics are the same as ever with lyrics like: “You’re already great / You’re the promised land / You’re the helping hand.” (Take that, Mr. President.) Meanwhile, U2’s new effort started as a collection of musical letters from Bono to the places and people closest to his four-leaf-clover-charmed heart. The album was retooled to include themes that are more political after the 2016 news cycle was besieged by the likes of Trump and Brexit. (Bono’s politics are the same as ever, too.) Rapper Kendrick Lamar even appears front-and-centre on the track American Soul. Finally, Van Morrison proves he is versatile and a workhorse with his second new studio album of 2017. Again, originals are mixed with covers, including the traditional Skye Boat Song. Forecast: A triple header! And just in time for digital stocking stuffers. My prediction? Before long, Santa will only need a laptop to deliver most of our Christmas presents and drones will replace reindeer to deliver every gift that can’t be downloaded.