Stan and his mother are a package deal

Dear Annie: I have been dating “Stan” for five years.

We are both in our 60s. When we started dating, I was certain that I didn’t want to get married.

But Stan and I have been through so much these past few years with various illnesses and the like.

We’ve always stood by each other, and I have come to realize that I would like to be married to this man and have told him so.

Stan still has responsibilities to a surviving parent.

Both Stan and his mom seem so dependent on each other that I feel like the proverbial third wheel.

When I discuss this with Stan, there’s a slight change, but only for a brief period of time. Then things go right back to the way they were, with me essentially on my own.

I don’t want to walk away from Stan, but I need more than I am getting and want to know how to get my point across.

I would hate for Stan to lose out on having a wonderful life with me at this stage of our lives. So Confused Dear Confused: You cannot force Stan to see the benefits of marriage through your eyes. His relationship with his surviving parent takes precedence over his relationship with you, and right now, Stan interprets marriage as an abandonment of Mom.

In addition, you have changed the rules midstream by wanting marriage when you initially precluded it.

You would do better to absorb Mom into your life, making a commitment toward her care part of your relationship. And although that doesn’t promise marriage, it will make Stan more favourably disposed.

Only you can decide whether the relationship with Stan is worth keeping without the legal papers.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.