A dozen can’t-miss predictions to heed in the year ahead
With great power comes great responsibility. In my case, it’s a talent for predicting the future. For instance, I can say with certainty that you won’t win the lottery this year if you don’t buy a ticket. What else lies ahead in 2018? I predict the answer will be revealed in the next 12 paragraphs.
January: On the night before a new leader is elected, Brad Wall will be visited by The Ghost of Movies Yet to Come. He’ll see busy film sets and happy workers making good wages and paying taxes. But then he will realize he’s in Alberta. Upon waking, he will phone Brent Butt to see if another Corner Gas movie is in the works. Brent will say no but offer the premier a prize turkey. February: Worried about the president’s increasingly erratic behaviour, White House officials will install an Easy Button on the desk of Donald Trump. “It’s working beautifully,” Chief of Staff John Kelly will say. “He thinks he nuked North Korea three times this morning.” March: The Pentagon Papers movie The Post will win the Academy Award for Best Picture. Enrolment in journalism schools will triple. Citizens will celebrate the prestigious vocation of newsgathering. Meanwhile, every newspaper in North America will close except for The Washington Post and New York Times.
April: Meteorologist David Phillips will be interviewed about the incredibly warm (freezing) weather we’ve been having, including
A long-standing debate on backyard fire pits ended with city council narrowly approving a ban on open-air fires outside the hours of 5 p.m. to 11 p.m.
The five councillors who voted against the restriction had all earlier supported voting on an eighthour window of 5 p.m. to 1 a.m., but that was defeated by the same 6-5 margin.
Council tried to impose a midnight curfew nine years ago, but it failed in a 6-5 vote.
In 2016, the fire department received 192 complaints, but only issued one ticket. Complaints increased in 2017, to around 240. record-breaking snowfall (lack of snowfall) and extremely high (low) winds. He’ll give us hope (cause for concern) for a colder than normal (hot) summer ahead.
May: Saskatchewan will sue itself for banning Alberta licence plates on road construction sites. In a statement of claim, Saskatchewan will accuse Saskatchewan of faulty logic and poor research in imposing the ban. In its statement of defence, Saskatchewan will insist its move was justified because Alberta has Banff and stuff.
June: Saskatoon homeowner Gord Oake will be the first person charged under the city’s new firepit bylaw. His trial will make national news when angry mobs brandishing flaming marshmallows surround the courthouse. Oake will plead guilty and have his wiener confiscated.
July: A new currency, Potcoin, will be unveiled. Workers can choose to be paid in cash or grass. Marijuana will be accepted as legal tender for essential items like cheeseburgers, poutine and nachos with that ooey-gooey hot cheese-like sauce flowing like lava down your chin while you watch Tropic Thunder and Dunkirk on Blu-ray and get mad about how long the pizza is taking before you realize you didn’t order one and then get to thinking that something sweet would be good right now, like maybe a hot fudge sundae, just sayin.’ August: A great Saskatoon mystery — who snatched the Earl’s Parrot? — will finally be solved when cunning and agile Engineering students are caught sticking huge papier mâche olives on each of the sticks of the Prairie Wind sculpture at River Landing. The students will deny they’re being funded by Smirnoff. September: Only a month before the opening of the new Traffic Bridge, Nutana will vote for independence, saying it has developed its own unique culture in the near-decade since the Traffic Bridge was closed. Rumours will spread that Nutana plans to annex Buena Vista to leverage an invasion of the Exhibition area. October: Commuters will hail the opening of the north commuter bridge as it opens up a new trade route giving Silverspring residents direct access to huge jars of Costco pickles.
November: Former Saskatchewan premier Brad Wall will stir up controversy when he appears in a series of Travel Alberta commercials called “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”
December: Posters will appear around Saskatoon reading “It’s Okay To Be An Idiot.” Idiots will rejoice, claiming an end to “idiot shaming” and predicting a new era of “idiot privilege.” Sadly, the movement will reach its nadir when emboldened idiots schedule a huge It’s Okay To Be An Idiot rally for Dec. 32.