Put yourself in biological mom’s shoes

Dear Annie: I’m a 50-year-old adoptee. About 10 years ago, I was finally able to locate my biological mother. It took me months to work up the nerve to phone her, and the call was a nightmare.

Her first words were, “How did you find me? I was told nobody would ever know.” That was followed by, “What do you want from me?” I explained that the laws in Kansas had changed, and they released the information. I told her I didn’t want anything except family medical history and some knowledge of where I came from. I told her I understood those were different times and I hold no ill will because I’ve had a wonderful life with adoptive parents who love me.

I cried for three days after that call. I was crushed. Four days later, she called back, quite apologetic, and we talked for more than an hour. Obviously, she needed time to get past the shock.

She has three other children who are all adults now, and she doesn’t want them to know about me. She told her late husband, but she spent years fearing I would contact her. I don’t agree with her position. I feel the kids have a right to know they have a halfsister. Your thoughts?

Conflicted Adoptee from Kansas Dear Conflicted: We agree, but try to see this from your biological mom’s perspective.

She believes knowing that she had a child before she married the children’s father would devastate them and change how they feel about her.

Instead of pressuring her, help her see that her children might be surprised, but not necessarily upset. And they may be angry if she withholds this information and they find out later.

Encourage her to see contact between you in a more positive light.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.