LEGALIZATION OF POT MEANS THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET WEIRD

Young people are going to lose one of their last remaining ways to stick it to The Man

How will marijuana legalization affect us? If only there were a way to see the future, to look into a crystal bong, so to speak.

Well, we can, more or less. It’s been legally sold in Colorado for four years. Has it turned people there into zombies? Is there more general giggling than there was before?

The sky hasn’t fallen. Various studies indicate that teen consumption hasn’t increased (in fact, it’s gone down, according to trusted news source leafbuyer. com). Traffic fatalities continue on a downward trend. That’s what happens when everybody drives three miles an hour. And with $230 million going into the treasury in 2016, tax revenues are so high they can’t feel their face.

So maybe it’s not going to be the end of civilization. But things are going to get weird.

More young people than old consume pot. According to the Financial Post, 61 per cent of people aged 18 to 34 have tried it. Twenty-nine per cent of that age group used marijuana in the past year. But only 10 per cent of people aged 55 to 64 did, according to statistica.com.

Pot isn’t just a way for young people to get high, it’s also been a way for them to tell The Man where to stick it. That’s over.

When the country goes to pot, boring, suburban, middle aged, mortgage-paying blobs of ectoplasm like me can smoke up legally as if they know what they’re doing.

“This Kush is smooth, man.” Oh, shut up.

It’ll be like old people trying to use internet slang, ROFLing everything all over the place.

This is probably TMI, but it reminds me of the early days of Facebook when the StarPhoenix was launching its account. One of our hipsters was against the idea. Who did we think we were? It made no sense for a business run by musty adults to try something only cool kids could understand. Our Facebook page, he said, would be a “creepy tree house.”

Well, believe it or not, Uncle Albert has climbed the ladder and he’s up there right now reading your graphic novels and talking about spliffs and edibles. Did you ever think you’d see the day? Great saints alive.

But that’s not what I’m afraid of. What I’m afraid of is a general increase in highness.

The fast food industry is ready. In the States, Jack in the Box in California announced its Merry Munchy Meal at Christmas to coincide with legalization: two tacos, five churros, three chicken strips and a drink for the notcoincidental price of $4.20.

But aren’t there enough people around us already who are intoxicated in some way? Phone addiction is a legit threat on the roads — sadly, just as there might be progress in drinking and driving; 1,000 drivers pulled over on New Year’s Eve and only one charged.

But people still like to get drunk.

You know what it’s like at a party when you’re not drinking. A drunk can sniff out sobriety like a bloodhound. Inevitably, he will track you down. And what he’ll want to know, in a slobbery-friendly-invasive manner is “Why’re you not drinkin’?” And “Whatdya think — you’re betterin me?” And “You tryinda spoil the party?”

Maybe the dope crowd won’t be as aggressive, but there’s going to be that dude who’s really, really happy and wants you to be really, really happy too and he’s going to stand uncomfortably close with a dumb smile and eventually you’re going to have to harsh his buzz by yelling “GET YOUR STONED FACE OUT OF MY FACE!”

And, of course, your outburst will ruin the party. But temporarily, I’m guessing, because you’re the only one able to transport them to the drive-thru.

“Seriously, man, totally chill of you to do this for us.”

Yeah, this is going to be a hoot.