Take care of caregiver

Dear Annie: May I vent a little about the extended family of a caregiver? My relatives live out of state and rarely visit. This is for them: Please don’t tell the primary caregiver what to do and how to do it. You don’t have all the details, and you don’t control every situation. Good caregivers are proactive and vigilant.

When you do visit, don’t say, “I guess you get the day off.” There’s never a day off, especially if the loved one is in the hospital or rehab and preparations need to be made for what happens after they’re discharged. And while you may think it’s “too early” to discuss assisted-living or nursinghome care, some of those places have waiting lists. It’s never too early. You may want to have a light, enjoyable visit, but some things still need to be handled — even unpleasant things. Life doesn’t get put on hold simply because you’re in town.

If you want to take over fulltime care, you’re more than welcome. Otherwise, please respect the primary caregiver’s role and responsibilities, and keep your interference with the medical providers to a minimum. You have no idea what it’s like to have a family plus elderly parents to care for, with all the activities, medical appointments, medications and therapies to co-ordinate. You purposely choose to live states away. Please don’t fly in and out telling me what to do. Walk a Mile in My Shoes

Dear Walk: We have heard this plea many times and know you speak for thousands of devoted caregivers. But we also know many relatives who live away need to feel as if they are contributing and often react by making demands and trying to take over. Sometimes, all they need is a task to perform that will make them feel they’re needed in a concrete way. We hope that helps.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.